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Episode 3 – “Let’s Get Cliterate! Narrowing The Orgasm Gap” – with Laurie Mintz
updated 1 year ago
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I remember Sasza saying that a couple was afraid to tell each other what their normal amount of sex per week was until they showed each other their answers and had the same number. It’s amazing that they agreed without discussing beforehand, but it sucks that they were timid to talk about it in the first place. It’s so important to communicate with a partner, something that I have to work on myself and it’s so lucky that the couple had matching libidos.
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Some of my key takeaways/quotations were
- Stress affects women’s sex drive much more than it does men’s
- Most men have this linear model of desire (horny, sexual activity, arousal, satisfaction, orgasm, end) that we thought applied to both men and women but most women have a circular model (“instead of waiting to be horny to have sex which as you age as you’re stressed out may never happen, you need to have sex to get horny because women’s desire and arousal are more intertwined”)
- Misguided ideas based on media so people often think something’s wrong with them when it’s really normal human sexual functioning, e.g., men thinking they should be lasting 30 minutes but the average is 3-5 minutes
- Normality anxiety, e.g,. when talking about sexual frequency with your partner, shouldn’t ask “Is that enough? Should I do it more? What’s normal?” The question should be “Are you both happy with that frequency?”
- “Forget the images; forget what you think you should. There’s a saying psychologists have ‘Don’t should on yourself.’ [Ask] is it working for you? Are you happy? Are you unhappy? And it’s hard sometimes to differentiate what we think we should do.”
- Studies show “1.2% of women pleasure themselves exclusively by putting something in their vagina” and the rest use external stimulation
- “70% of women are faking orgasm during intercourse and all that does is train your partner to do what doesn’t work for you”
- “If your partner doesn’t care about your pleasure whether you’re male, female, or anywhere on the scale, that is not the norm, that is not a characteristic of a healthy relationship nor should anyone think it is.”
- “Not all satisfying sex ends in orgasm…the best sex is when both people involved get to the point where they’re focused on themselves and fully immersed in their own pleasure and if we can let go of this achievement-oriented goal”
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Listening to this podcast made me realize how much stress impacts all of our lives in every way possible. I mean, me stressing out about not getting my wifi setup makes my libido go down? What the heck is up with that! I think this podcast can really stem a great conversation about how people relieve stress. I’d love to hear from other people what ways they think they maintain a level head and ways they can relax once they are stressed.
For me personally, I sometimes just have to cry, Ha! I just have to release the tension that has built up and up and then I tend to feel like I can function again.
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The thing I learned about myself listening to this episode is that the cliterous is a very important part of my body. The thing that I learned about culture is that culture sees the word cliterous as a dirty word and as the punchline of a joke. The thing that suprised me most is that the cliterous can help achieve an orgasm during sex, I think. The way that I can apply what I learned to my life is to learn more about the cliterous and about sex.I also didn’t know that after a serious disease a person’s libido can go down beacause they don’t feel good about themselves.
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I believe that this episode made us all realize how women’s pleasure is as equal as men’s yet somehow as a society we fail to properly talk about women’s pleasure or even fail to experience it within our own relationships because of all the misinformation out there on sex ed that derives from the only source of male-dominated porn! Time for a change!!
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This podcast reminds us that there is no set “number” of how many times you and your partner should engage in sexual activities, but rather what works best for you. Everything is often hyper sexualized and we become socialized to believe that if you have sex once a week something is wrong in your relationship, but if you and your partner are happy with that number you shouldn’t feel ashamed. However, if you have mismatched sex drives what helps is communication and compromise. A good tip of advice I learned is to talk about your sexual encounters in a place that is nonsexual so you are not creating a sense of false pressure for your partner and make sure to hear the other person!
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I couldn’t agree more! Porn does not provide an accurate representation of sexual encounters and how women reach orgasm. I found it interesting, that a women had been faking an orgasm for 30 years and rather attacking her partner she turned the narrative around introducing new techniques she learned that will help make their sex more pleasurable for both parties.
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