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Episode 4 – “(In)Fidelity in the Time of Technology” – with Ari Tuckman
updated 1 year ago
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I think every couple should listen to this episode since it’s that typical topic you take for granted and think you both are on the same page and turns out you aren’t or you if you are on the same page it gives you that security in terms of honesty with your partner.
When I listened to it, it actually opened up a conversation with my boyfriend about where is the line for some people regarding infidelity and it was a very open and honest conversation that I think every couple should have.
Something I learned about myself with this episode is that I don’t think about the important questions in life as often as I would like to. So I’m going to try and start asking myself important and maybe some random questions too 🙂
Thank you for this! 🙂
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My favorite quote personally was “So, it’s really easy to find yourself in a situation where it’s sort of like: “Wait, that’s not okay? I didn’t… I’ve always talked to my ex, I’m friends with all my exes, how is that a problem? Really, we can’t do that now?” And you know so, often what happens is couples don’t have these conversations until there’s a problem and by a problem what I mean, is somebody feels like somebody crossed the line and somebody else feels like they didn’t”
Ari Tuckman really hits the head on the nail here, how are you supposed to know what your partner is thinking without asking them? This is such a consistent problem nowadays because somehow vulnerability is stigmatized so people don’t feel comfortable saying “Hey, I just don’t want you to do this while we are dating.” Somehow, setting a boundary makes people fear that their partner will leave them if they do so. I mean, I have personally thought “Oh, don’t make this a big deal, or else they’ll leave you,” but who cares! If someone is going to leave you for speaking your mind in a relationship, are they even worth having the relationship with? That is the question that more people need to force themselves to ask.
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Personally I think my default setting is to “assume” me and my partner are on the same page haha (I guess that’s what everyone ideally would want in a relationship) yet most of the times that fails to be true and we end up hurting each other one way or another. Therefore, after hearing this episode I really felt the need to sit down and talk with my bf about certain topics we might not be okay with in order to help us being completely comfortable as the “still being friends with an ex gf” topic. Looking forward to more episodes like this one!
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The thing that I learned about myself listening to this episode was that technology can make it break a relationship. I learned that if I have an intimate relationship in the future, technology is not the only tool that would give me intimacy with my partner.The thing I learned about culture is that our culture places too much value on technology when it comes to relationships. Human interaction is also a way to achieve an intimate relationship The thing that surprised me most was how having a relationship with a colleague that is just as close as with a partner can make that partner feel like their partner is more comfortable with that other person.The way that I can apply what I learned to my life is to have a relationship with a potential partner that is not completely reliant on technology.
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I think this episode reminded me what is my intent for my actions and technology only makes this even more complicated. If something that I’m doing makes my partner uncomfortable, but why does this make them uncomfortable? The issue is you can’t demand too much of another person, the agreement must be achievable. “I’ll never look at porn”, but this is often unrealistic. However, now that this has been expressed and if your partner looks at porn now there is a feeling of betrayal. But this expectation is not necessarily comparable. I think this reminds me that if I ever feel uncomfortable about an action my partner does using technology, such as reconnecting with an ex on social media, it is important to have a conversation regarding intent and then analyze are my expectations unrealistic, or is this interaction harmless. What I really liked from this episode is the concept of disclosure, if you are telling me about your actions they are not secretive and you are not hiding something from me which to me is reassuring to me.
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