Humans of Intimacy: Lauren Popish

I moved to New York City right after college single and ready to mingle.

Five years later I had been on close to 100 first and second dates with no serious relationship in sight.

Unlike a lot of women I knew, I wasn’t meeting assholes. I was going on dates with extremely kind, skilled, intelligent men because that was exactly what I was optimizing for on my dating apps.

I could control every component of their eligibility from height to the quality of college they attended, but I couldn’t seem to find the right filter for chemistry.

I found I always knew within about 5 minutes of meeting someone if I was going to feel that spark, and despite my rules about second or third date minimums, if I hadn’t felt the attraction in the first 5 minutes, it never materialized.

What I slowly started to realize is that body language made up a huge part of someone’s identity, and as a result, how attracted to them I was.

I realized that it was going to take me a lot longer to find someone I was interested in using dating apps.

I was going to have to search for body language first, and “resume” second. Which means I was going to have to do the unthinkable –

I was going to have to find men in the wild.

So that’s exactly what I did.

I would go to bars with my friends and let my natural instinct guide me.

Where was my eye being drawn?

How did this person interact with friends?

Were they loud or quiet?

Speaking often or listening?

Once I was convinced by someone, I had to become the conversation instigator, but getting to control who I interacted with is what I wanted.

HOT TIP : A note with my number dropped on my way out the door of a bar worked just as well if I couldn’t work up the courage to talk to someone.

Long story short, it worked.

The quality of my dates improved. The number of dates per person increased.

I eventually met my boyfriend at a birthday party after approaching him and taking his number.

I’m convinced that when it comes to dating, our ancestors had it right.

Get more insight from Lauren Popish as we discuss the art of handwritten notes, dating, love letters, and other tools for connection—all in our “Casual Conversation,” now live on the BBXX Podcast!

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