Don’t always try and cheer your partner up

Don’t always try and cheer your partner up

Via the Gottman Institute

Whenever someone is upset or sad, our natural response may be to try and cheer that person up.
Yes, sometimes that might be what the person needs, perhaps a distraction. But sometimes, especially if this is someone very close to us such as our partner, that might actually be the opposite of what they need.

The tricky part with empathy is that it isn’t about trying to lift your partner’s, or anyone’s, spirits. It’s about validating the emotions that they feel, and understanding why they feel the way they do.

So, if our partner is experiencing difficult emotions—anger, sadness, fear, disappointment—don’t try to cheer them up or calm them down. Instead, sit with them and offer words of understanding and support. Allow them to feel what they need to feel.

Don’t try to problem solve, either. Even though that can feel like the right thing to do at the moment, it can come later instead. The most important thing to do is to offer empathy, which will help your partner feel validated.

Often times the partner who is listening feels responsible for making their partner happy, but our errors and misconceptions actually stem from that misconception- from taking on that responsibility and trying to fix it. Sometimes what actually cheers our partner (or anyone) up and makes them feel happy is simply being heard and feeling understood.