By Natasha Ivanovic
In a world where we’re obsessed with hookups and dating apps, it can feel like your desires, and sex drive aren’t in sync with other people. This can make us doubt ourselves, wondering if our sexual desires are normal.
The lack of understanding of both women and men regarding sexual desire has created stereotypes that have emotionally and sexually traumatized many people. For men, unrealistic expectations are placed on them, as it’s assumed they always want to have sex. For women, those who are sexually active and expressive are seen as promiscuous as it’s believed that women are “naturally” less sexually active. These stereotypes have hindered our ability to understand our own natural libido and our partners.
We are disconnected from our sexual desires. Instead, many of us engage in sexual activities that are not fueled by our own needs. Rather, we follow the unspoken script bestowed onto us from generations who lived under sexual oppression. However, in true BBXX style, we’re planning on changing that.
This toolkit is intended to help you understand sexual desire and how subjective it is. By learning about the science of desire and understanding why we’re attracted to certain sexual activities or people, you’ll be able to understand what your needs are when it comes to sexual fulfillment.
Whether you’re in a relationship or single, it’s important you learn about your sexual desires and understand where they come from. By exploring this subject, you’ll accept your sexual preferences and be able to share these desires with your partner or find someone who’s sexually compatible.
We’ve all asked ourselves this. And though it looks like a simple question, it’s one we struggle to find the answer to. Why? Because when it comes to sexuality, we’re all different. Yes, everyone wants to know the formula for mindblowing sex and high libido, but we would be lying to you if we said there’s a one-size-fits-all plan you can follow.
Sexual desire is subjective. What you may find sexually desirable, another will not. This is why, for example, the adult content available varies between gender, ethnicity, and sexual activity. People respond favorably to different things; people have different experiences that shaped their sexual preferences. On the one hand, this is beautiful. On the other hand, it can be confusing when trying to learn about yourself.
But this is why we’re here to help. Your sexual desires are more complex than you think. Your past experiences, physical and mental health, the availability of a sexual partner, and hormones all play a role in your libido. Your sex drive may not be the same as your partner because you two are simply different people. Rather than focusing on whether you’re normal or not, understand that your sex drive is constantly changing.
“Reading” & Resources on Understanding Sexual Desire
Sexual desire is an underestimated and under-researched topic, which explains why we’re all struggling to understand our own sexual desire. However, that doesn’t mean it’s completely ignored.
Luckily, some researchers and sex experts, like BBXX, are investing time and energy into understanding human sexual desire. The resources below dive deep into the history of sexual desire and explain why we want what we want.
When it comes to sexual desire, there’s not much research on it. Though our understanding of the subject is shockingly limited, social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., has a lot to say in this article. Lehmiller dives in deep, discussing our collective fantasies, what they mean, and how our sexual history shapes our current sexual desires.
Our lives are busy and we’re more disconnected than ever. It’s time to look inward and practice self-love. This article discusses the 12 books you should read to help you reconnect with your sexual desires. These books are written by authors with rich backgrounds in psychology, holistic medicine, and gynecology. There’s a book for everyone on this list.
Why do we want what we want? With the provided resources, you’ll start to understand more about your sexual desires. However, if you’d like more insight, this is a great book. On Desire: Why We Want What We Want, author William B. Irvine explores our impulses, needs, and desires, digging deep into where they come from and how to own them.
In this BBXX episode, we talk to Dr. Christina Pierpaoli Parker as she dives into the topic of aging and the role of sex as we age. We discuss the evolution of sex and sexual liberation in our later years and how to connect in relationships. Though many of us fear the aging process, there’s wisdom to harness from aging.
“Reading” & Resources on Tapping into Your Libido
So, you’ve read the above resources and better understand what sexual desire is and how you can reconnect with it. However, it’s important to be reminded that your sexual desire fluctuates.
Reconnecting with your libido is one thing, but if you want to have better sex, the resources below will give you useful tips on how to improve your sex life.
You know that everyone’s libido is different, but perhaps you want to give your sex drive a little kick. In this article, goop talks to London nutritionist Dr. Adam Cunliffe, who’s spent most of his career in research. Cunliffe’s studied some old-wives tales on aphrodisiacs, and it turns out, they actually work.
In the first episode of BBXX’s two-part interview with Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, discusses the similarities between male and female anatomy, talks about what “normal” means, and teaches how to listen to our internal voice.
Even though everyone’s libido is different, you may still have questions about your libido which is totally normal. So, it’s time to have them answered. In this article, Madeleine M. Castellanos, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist specializing in sex therapy and author of Wanting to Want, answers the 10 most wondered questions about libido.
Everyone has questions about their libido. Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, Esther Perel, talks to GQ about what men and women get wrong about sex. And why having good sex doesn’t necessarily mean having an orgasm.
In today’s world, everything is about going fast—including in the bedroom. In this book, Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, author Nicole Daedone teaches men and women how to slow down in the bedroom and connect emotionally. Throughout the book, she reveals techniques to help sexual satisfaction. Her promise: In 15 minutes, every woman can become orgasmic.
Tying it all together
When it comes to sexual desire, it’s a very subjective topic. Though sexual desire is an individual experience, it’s important to understand that everyone is struggling to understand their sexual side. If you want to learn more about yourself, go through the resources above, and reflect authentically on your past sexual experiences and how they’ve influenced your sexual behavior.
Everyone has a different story, and the more you learn about your own, the more fulfilled you’ll feel. Sex is a huge topic, and one we often push to the side. Yet, how we sexually express ourselves is tied to other aspects of our lives. By knowing what drives your sexual desires, you’ll be able to take control of your own sexuality and what provides you pleasure.
Whether you want to improve your sex life or discover more about yourself, we hope you were able to take something from this toolkit to support you in your journey. If you have any questions or thoughts that weren’t addressed here, we’d love to hear from you at email@example.com or on IG at @bbxx.world.