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Vitale Buford teaches us about the deeper issues that perfectionism stems from. We learn about its relationship to self-worth, personal criticism, codependency, abandonment, and its role as a coping mechanism. We also discuss the danger of living a life focused on trying to please others and, particularly, the consequences of living your life without really knowing who you are.

Vitale Buford

  I believe that perfection is when we are looking outside of ourselves. For love and self worth, is when we outsource our self worth, and our self trust to things and people and places.

Sasza Lohrey

Hello, Hello, everyone. This is Sasha, your host of the BBXX podcast. So I wanted to introduce a bit of a new series of interviews we’re doing. Well, the coronavirus pandemic has presented us with an infinite number of obstacles. It’s also presented us with an opportunity. And while we can’t go outside, we are being invited to look inwards instead, to connect to reflect, to learn more about ourselves, and to recognize how much our relationships matter more than anything else. And I think that is probably one of the most beneficial lessons that we can learn from all of this. And so as we’re faced with this obstacle, and this opportunity, we’ve decided to launch a series of Instagram Live interviews, to help us stay connected to you connected while we’re at home. And while we’re all having this fascinating, global shared experience. We’re launching this series first, but we’re also planning some other exciting content releases from short format audio to more casual discussions, as well as some igtv videos, so be sure to tune in on your preferred platform or just all of them. So stay tuned for announcements on the BBXX podcast, and stay tuned on our Instagram at BBXX. world. And if you don’t already, be sure to subscribe to our newsletter, where every week we send out tons of amazing content recommendations, the show notes for all of our interviews, a q&a article and lots more. We will be having guest Vitale Buford with us today, who will be talking about perfection, and the pursuit of perfection and how sometimes the pursuit of perfection keeps us from so many other worthy and perhaps even more incredible, meaningful, and impactful goals. So thank you so much for joining us. I was just looking up quotes about perfection. And one of the ones that I liked the most was excellence does not require perfection. And I felt it would almost be more suiting. If there was another sentence that says, in fact, perfection makes excellence practically impossible. We’re here to talk about a bunch of different things, but perfection and the pursuit of perfection and how that often keeps us from so many other things, whether it be in our relationships, our careers, or with ourselves. And so I’d love to just have you start by introducing yourself and a bit about yourself. So I’m really excited to learn more, I’ll pass it over to you. But yeah, I’m really excited to learn more and share this with everyone tuning in.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah, I’m super excited. Thank you for having me. And that’s why I talked about perfectionism because a lot of us are like, Oh, that’s not recognized, but actually most of us are. And for me, so I’m just telling you, I’m the perfectionist, and I’m a coach. I’m a speaker, and I’m an author. And I struggled with a 10 year addiction to adderall and a lifelong addiction to perfectionism. And it wasn’t until I started my healing journey six years ago, that I realized how much perfectionism holds us back. And in fact, I believe it’s the most pervasive thing holding us back in our relationships from our dreams and our careers. And for me, I’m talking about the deep rooted to the deep roots of perfectionism. Not I need to have a perfectly clean car or a perfectly organized desk. Symptoms of perfectionism of the deep perfectionism is the approval seeking and people pleasing. indecision, fear, failure, obsessive thinking, unrealistic expectations, anxiety, feeling stuck avoiding conflict, not showing up as our true selves, for fear of being abandoned. And until we recognize, wow, look how perfectionism is showing up. I’m indecisive, I procrastinate. I’m constantly people pleasing, I have unrealistic expectations. So we can kind of get aware of that and say, wow, you know, perfectionism is showing up for me, then we start healing it. And then we take massive, massive action.

Sasza Lohrey

First of all, I’ll go back a bit more into your personal story, you said you were kind of striving for perfection and addiction to perfectionism. And I’m wondering, I guess how, at that time, you would have defined it and what looking back was that you were actually striving for? Because I’m assuming it was never about the perfection. It was about something bigger or perhaps smaller, but something totally different. So I’m curious what it was you think you were striving for?

Vitale Buford 

I think for me, I’m striving for self worth. To sum up perfectionism is when we hustle for our self worth, through people pleasing or unrealistic expectations. And so for me, I was a workaholic. So I was working seven days a week, I had a very, extremely successful corporate career on the outside, and then I was extremely thin. And I thought those two things were going to give me happiness. So the Adderall addiction allowed me up, then it also allowed me to work all the time. And I thought I needed those things to be perfect. But really, my Adderall addiction was just a symptom of my perfectionism. Like, my need to be thin was a symptom of my perfectionism. And really, it’s when we’re looking at things outside of ourselves to feel worthy.

Sasza Lohrey

And so while you were kind of striving for self worth, what do you think it is you were running away from? What do you think you were most afraid of?

Vitale Buford

 Running away from my feelings, feeling too much, right human recovering perfectionist now. But still, perfectionism comes up for me, but as a perfectionist, personal criticism I looked at as a failure. I didn’t look at it as information where now someone criticized me a it’s more of a reflection of them than it is me. But he is something I could get curious about. I was just so afraid that someone would abandon me or that that would reveal how unworthy I felt about myself.

Sasza Lohrey

So in that kind of, one of the things you mentioned throughout these different symptoms of perfectionism was kind of the unrealistic expectations. And I’m curious how I think this one is a bit difficult sometimes to get perspective and to even figure out if we have realistic or unrealistic expectations. I recently was talking to a friend and I was voicing my frustration about how every day, I only get a very small fraction of all the things that I want to get done and feel as though I should. It was just so interesting, because she had this moment where she looked at me and she said, do you ever think that maybe we all just think we’re more capable of than we’re actually capable of? I looked at her and I said, I think you might be onto something there. But it is never that thought had never occurred to me before. And so how do you even recognize, okay, this is the blurry line between realistic and unrealistic in terms of my expectations, my hopes, goals, because there’s the whole thing dream big. And so how do you kind of integrate ambition with realistic expectations and kind of self worth and appreciation?

Vitale Buford 

For me, it’s the difference between love and fear, right? Striving for excellence comes from love. Striving for perfectionism comes from fear. And so if you set a goal, it’s just worth asking yourself, like, is this goal coming from love or fear? Am I setting this goal? Because I’m afraid that if I don’t achieve this, other people will judge me? Or I need to please someone?

Sasza Lohrey

How would you try and define perfection?

Vitale Buford 

Yeah, so I believe that perfection is when we are looking outside of ourselves. For love and self worth, is when we outsource our self worth and our self trust to things and people and places.

Sasza Lohrey

And so, going back a bit into the different types of perfection, I guess. How does it do good versus bad should Get rid of it completely. Are there certain ways or contexts or use cases in which it is helpful? Where’s the balance between the good and the bad that it does?

Vitale Buford

 So I believe that perfection is this lens in which we view the world and actually is a filter for all of our interactions. So when we are striving for perfection, we’re never present. Because we’re always thinking like, one not enough that we’re not aware of. It’s like this subconscious lens and filter in which all of our decision making right like, I’m not getting that question my decisions, how do I make this decision is the perfect decision? Did I make the right decision? obsessive thinking, thinking one thing and then just going down the rabbit hole? Well, let me overthink this to death? And then I’ll find the perfect answer. Anxiety, a symptom of perfectionism. Let me procrastinate. I gotta wait for the perfect moment to start this project, my business, my book. 

Sasza Lohrey

I wanted to talk about how it kind of mentioned it just there. But before we get into perfectionism in relationships, how does seeking perfectionism actually kind of hinder us or do damage probably and become kind of counter productive? It almost seems ironic, because in seeking all of that, we have to compromise so many other things, we miss opportunities, we miss connections, whatever it is, and so that thinking of is exactly what keeps us from excellence.

Vitale Buford 

Right? production is a fantasy, but it’s also this like constant moving target. So we think, Well, once I have this car, I’ll feel better. Once I have this amount of income. Also better once I have this relationship, I’ll feel better. And the more we chase perfectionism, the further we get away from ourselves, the more we create a gap between our intuition and ourselves, because we’ve been looking to other people to tell us who we are for all of our lives. Perfect perfectionism, really a lot is born in our childhood. We start people pleasing at a young age, and we get praised for it.

Sasza Lohrey

It’s so interesting, because I think these are things that at the same time, with everything in life, and particularly in psychology, and in relationships, there are things that are good up to a certain point, and then beyond a certain point, it becomes damaging. So when you are raising a child, for example, how would you know when to kind of pull back the reins and not be putting on too much pressure or in a relationship with somebody else or in friendships, I remember, when a friend of mine was training, signed up for a trail run half marathon, and he hadn’t done many bases. And so it came to the day of and he hadn’t trained at all. And along the way, I had tried to offer guidance. And in my family, you make up a training plan, and you’re asked to check in and there’s accountability or on sports teams. And so I had tried to take on that and offer that as what I saw being positive encouragement, but what this person felt suffocated by and hated and totally rejected, to the point where then I couldn’t even ask about the race itself. But it was this really, really huge moment for me, because my family tends to have a level of we’ll call it constructive criticism or motivation that I think in our heads is, I know you’re capable of so much. So I’m going to push you so you can be everything I believe you can be. And that is meant to be positive. But I know from experience, it’s also extremely destructive and not sustainable and very difficult. But that, for me was a huge moment, several years ago, when I began to notice, oh, I have absorbed this, I have taken this on myself. And this is an issue not only for this other person for other people in general, but has been an issue for me, I do this to myself.

Vitale Buford 

Right, which is like I need you to be happy for me to be happy. So let me give you the training plan. So you feel on track and then I feel on track.

Sasza Lohrey

Well, no, it was more just like pushing yourself pushing yourself pushing yourself was supposed to be kind of it was meant to be like a compliment. Yeah, like you’re capable of so much. And I know you can do more versus putting too much pressure on yourself and being too critical, or I don’t know, just not being able to be okay with walking the whole race or just going.

Vitale Buford 

and also letting that person have their own experience. 

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah.

Vitale Buford 

Again, like perfectionism, it’s like no, I want you to have the experience that I think you should have and that’s gonna make me feel okay Hmm. Related somewhat to people pleasing? Like it’s a form of codependency right, like not good or bad. Their whole learned behaviors. Like for me, one of the biggest things was like learning to only give advice when asked. Yeah, to be someone that was like, well, let me tell you how to do this. And it was like, No one asked you Batali. It’s like, so for me, like, I really adopted that. Now, I’m a coach. So in my coaching role, it’s a little different. When it comes to friends and family and knowing coaching clients, like I only give advice, but ask because I was so conditioned, like, I need you to feel this way for me to feel this way.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah. It’s interesting. I’d never thought of the people pleaser thing, because again, that’s something on the surface, I wouldn’t identify with it all. And everything. Oh, if you ask people I know they would never describe me as a people pleaser.

Vitale Buford  Like all of these things were learned coping mechanisms, we did these things to survive children.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah, if we’re talking about us as children, then never mind, people pleaser would for sure be high on the list. So kind of segwaying into relationships, and romantic relationships and partnerships. As I touched on kind of that perfection, kind of making more imperfection, inevitable, I would love for you to kind of share your personal stories in your relationship. And you had kind of mentioned how there was this one line about because I was unworthy, I attracted people who were unworthy, which I just wanted to say loud and clear for anybody who’s listening because I thought that piece was just so sound. And I think is a huge, often overlooked, there is the line, we attract the love we think we deserve. But it’s so much more complicated than that. And so I’d love to hear a bit about that, right? 

Vitale Buford

 So for me, the theme was me, and my history of relationships. And perfectionism is I constantly looked for someone else to validate. In fact, my history of relationships is I cared more with the person thought about me than what I thought about that person. And I didn’t know any other way to operate, right? I thought, oh, you like to me, that means I’m Morty. And I want to get more of that. So of course, I’m going to stay in this relationship, because your thoughts of me Make me worthy enough worthiness is what I’m trying to go for. And so I stay in a relationship is unhealthy, because I’m using these signals of like, I need you to tell me if I’m working, even if it’s dysfunctional, I would say like really dysfunctional relationships. I didn’t know myself, I was outsourcing myself trust and myself Love Like, I allow other people like the minimum like to be the expert, instead of be the expert of me.

Sasza Lohrey

And do you think what you used to work under dysfunctional I’d love if you could give a few examples of kind of what it was you were overlooking or refusing to see, which is another quote from one of your interviews. I can’t remember exactly, but it was, I see in you what I refuse to find myself.

Vitale Buford 

Not me sober. Yeah, I see you when I refused to see me. And I think a lot of times, we’ll pick things apart, and other people. And we’ll say, I don’t like that about this person. But really, that’s what’s going on with us. So for example, in my current relationship, which were interesting place, we’re on a break right now. So it’s an interesting time to be talking about relationships perfectionist. But for a while I was pointing the finger at him that he wasn’t committed in the relationship, and that he was in and out and not committed and not consistent. And I was like, I’m actually the one that’s not committed in this relationship. I mean, there may be some truth to end up being committed. But at the end of the day, like I’m responsible for my, the lane that I occupy, no one else’s lane. And so for me, it was like, oh, my goodness, like whenever we’re pointing a finger at someone else, we need to be pointing it back at ourselves. And that part about curiosity that you were talking about, like true transformation happens when we, those fingers that we’re pointing at other people, you look at what is happening with me.

Sasza Lohrey

I love that about whenever we’re pointing the finger at someone else we need to be pointing.

Vitale Buford 

We’re afraid we want to point a finger at the other person. Because, again, to point that finger at ourselves, we think reveals all this unworthiness, but honestly, all it reveals is an opportunity to change a pattern and heal and evolve.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah. And going back to kind of your previous relationships that you mentioned, are dysfunctional, and how kind of that approval from the other person was What kept you in it. What were the things you were overlooking? What were the things that Other people should be on the lookout for themselves to recognize as unhealthy and where? And how could you have sought that elsewhere. And even if perhaps in the beginning, people can’t go straight from relying on other people to give them approval and to give them validation, but at the very least, to not be looking for that in the wrong people.

Vitale Buford 

Yeah, I think so often we will go to any link to avoid a ban. And abandonment is a word for my childhood, I grew up in a house with an alcoholic mother to work on parents, I was alone a lot. So emotional abandonment was a theme. And so that’s another reason why I chose protectionism to cope. Because I they didn’t abandon me, or they were praising me when I was perfect. And so I learned very, like young like, okay to be perfect is to avoid to be internet. And so I carry that over in my relationships. So that means I would avoid having difficult conversations. Because I couldn’t control the outcome. I didn’t want to appear in perfect, right, I wanted to be the cool girlfriend. I also because I’ve been outsourcing myself work for so long, I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t know if what I thought was right, or the other person was right. So for example, when I got sober, the guy that I had been with was an alcoholic. And now, he didn’t call himself that, but he was drinking every day and on the weekends. And for me, I was like really trying to rationalize it, I was like, I just need to get over it. It’s not a big deal that he drains like, it’s probably you’re overly sensitive to it because you’re newly sober, bla bla bla bla bla. The bottom line is, I grew up in an alcoholic household, and I’m sober myself. And so the lens in which I view the world is different. For me, to not want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, it’s almost like just giving yourself permission to feel how you feel like, Oh, I don’t like that, that doesn’t feel right. I have anxiety over this and listening to ourselves. So often, our body gives us signals through anxiety, that hitting our stomach, and we ignore it and we override it with their mind.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah, so often ignoring kind of that gut instinct or intuition or logic that we invent, you said to be perfect is to avoid abandonment was kind of the mindset that you had. And so just wanted to bring up again, the fact that because I think for a lot of people kind of seeking that validation, particularly in the dating contexts in the dating landscape, kind of when other people don’t respond, or we don’t get the response we’re looking for, then we kind of seek to change something about ourselves or about the way we answer or about what we’re saying, etc, etc. Or about the way we react even versus thinking, oh, this isn’t about me, because if I have to change who I am and the way I talk or the way I act and filter myself for this other person, then that isn’t going to work. That’s not a good person for you. That shouldn’t even be who you are kind of going after, if you from the beginning kind of have to be double questioning everything you’re saying and thinking or changing certain things or filtering yourself.

Vitale Buford

 Yeah. So I think that really faze me when it comes to relationships is I cannot miss out on what’s next for me. I cannot miss out on what’s meant for me.

Sasza Lohrey

That’s so difficult because on one hand, that would be the most liberating mantra ever. And at the same time, you don’t want to kind of hedge the responsibility on to someone else on to fade or all of that and kind of say, oh, I don’t need to put forward the work or the effort or the self reflection to improve my relationships and all of that. But how would you say you could kind of find the middle ground and how did you channel or how could other people kind of channel that mantra.

Vitale Buford 

For me like, I can’t miss out on what’s meant for me being unattached from the outcome. Like be yourself, it doesn’t mean sit on the couch and Netflix and wait for Oprah to put your book on your honor book list. It’s about like taking action but detaching from the outcome as perfection as we get attached to the outcome, I gotta have that outcome to feel worthy of that have this, I need to have that person respond to my text and you’re good. And again, it’s about, like when we like the dating. When we are like, that person doesn’t respond, again, we’re allowing our worth to be their choice. When we choose our work, when our work is our choice, I’m worthy, because I’m already done, that person not responding is a reflection of them and not us. And it’s always a reflection of them.

Sasza Lohrey

And kind of you had mentioned that example of the person you were dating, who had a relationship with alcohol that kind of made you uncomfortable, particularly when you were trying to recover from addiction. And just thinking about how you viewed it through a different lens. And so perhaps, even if there wasn’t something that made him uncomfortable, or anybody else uncomfortable about his relationship, without call, the fact that it did make you uncomfortable, isn’t invalid. That was a fact. And that was what you were feeling. And so recognizing that particularly in terms of the other person’s response, and receptiveness, that they are able to recognize what lens you are viewing things through what experiences you have been through, unable to at least validate your feelings as being valid because they exist. And even if it’s not about who needs to change behavior or why, but that they can recognize that that’s important that you feel that way. And it’s important for them, right.

Vitale Buford

 So it’s about allowing people to have their experience and allowing yourself to have your experience. He is allowed to drink whenever he wants to drink. And I am allowed to not be okay with it. I wasn’t allowing myself to be okay with it. Because I was so afraid of abandonment, right that abandonment meant means I’m in perfect, which the end of the day, no one can abandon us. The only person that’s abandoning ourselves, I’m abandoning myself by staying in a relationship with someone who drinks in a way that I don’t agree with.

Sasza Lohrey

How would you define abandonment?

Vitale Buford 

Gosh.

Sasza Lohrey

I love operational definitions. This is so interesting, because we talk about these things it comes up. We all have a definition we associated with that probably none of us ever stopped to think about what our definition is, let alone the fact that we probably have very different definitions of it.

Vitale Buford 

You know, I’ve never actually thought about the definition of abandonment. But that’s really, really good question. I believe that no one can abandon you without your consent, meaning at the end of the day, like abandonment really isn’t even a thing. It’s when we give people the power to again determine our worth. So then leaving us or their potential to leave us means we’re unworthy.

Sasza Lohrey

Right? It’s more about how we let their actions make us fail due to the way that we are looking and and feeling in relation to the power dynamics, or the kind of worthiness, but mostly, yeah, I’d say that power dynamics and love, I think comes into it a lot. But again, it’s that whole if you’re feeling abandoned by somebody, because they have chosen to leave and that love that you have lost again, if somebody is choosing to leave you and there are so many different contexts and examples and levels, but in some cases where I think that just means we were trying to believe there was a certain type of love or trying to, at the very least trying to manifest a version of that relationship that wasn’t or at least now is not there and probably won’t be.

Vitale Buford 

Right. And it’s even if it’s not healthy, even if I’m in an unhealthy relationship. Just being in a relationship makes me like using that as a barometer for worthiness. Yeah, and then you leaving is a barometer for my unworthiness is me.

Sasza Lohrey

and you earlier mentioned that you are a recovering perfectionist. And so I would love for you to just share a bit you’ve kind of alluded to a few different things, but some of the most practical things you learned or put into use and some actionable advice perhaps for anybody else out there who knowingly or unknowingly might be seeking to become a recovering perfectionist themselves someday.

Vitale Buford 

So for me of being a recovering perfectionist means that perfectionism no longer runs my life. It also means that perfectionism will still crop up for me And it always will, because it was a deeply rooted mechanism. But it doesn’t run my life. So now I know when it comes up to me and I can say, I see you, perfectionism, and you’re not there in my day to day. And so, two things that people can do to start healing their perfectionism is one by becoming a curious observer. So that list of symptoms that I listed off earlier, and a lot of these symptoms are also on my Instagram profile, because I’ve created a bunch of infographics around it, like indecision, fear of failure, comparison, procrastination, people pleasing, avoiding conflict. So first, it’s about getting clear, like where do those symptoms? Where do these symptoms show up in my life, and then instead of shaming ourselves, being like, that’s interesting, I wonder why I do that. It’s not showing yourself compassion. Because what happens is, we’ll feel jealousy, for example. A friend gets a promotion, and we feel jealous, we don’t feel excited, we don’t feel happy, we’re jealous. And then what happens as perfectionist, we inject that feeling. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible friend. I’m never happy for anyone. Of course, I’m jealous. And we obsess over it builds, and it builds and it builds. But when we can approach jealousy with curiosity, so oh, I feel jealous of my friend. I guess that means maybe I need to dream bigger. Maybe that’s an indication that I need to ask for a promotion in my job. Oh, this is revealing that I want more from my life. When you can get curious about those things like, Oh, I’m suddenly making a decision, or a people pleasing when you can just start getting curious, like, how is that showing up? For me? How is this a pattern, a pattern in my career in my relationships, all of the above? Getting curious, when you become an outside observer and a curious observer, instead of this, like internal judge or critical person, you can then start healing it. And then I would say, another way to heal your perfectionism and the way that I went, I went for it because people pleasing and codependency was a theme for me. And so what I did is I went on an advice, detox, I stopped asking anyone for advice. Again, didn’t trust my decisions at the time, because I was such a perfectionist. But like, what I did is I stopped asking for advice. Like, every time I wanted to pick up the phone, I would put it down. And now there’s healthy input. And there’s advice, but we can only know the difference.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes talking things out, even if it’s just as a sounding board, sometimes you realize the answer as you are defending one thing versus the other, or talking to somebody hearing it out loud. You think, oh, actually, I guess I already made that decision. But that’s really interesting, particularly because beyond one or two people, you inevitably get so much conflicting advice. So much confusion, and then there’s just too much noise. And then there’s just kind of paralysis from.

Vitale Buford 

and a lot of times, we know what is what the thing is to do. And it’s typically the uncomfortable thing. It’s typically the hard thing. It’s about our integrity. At the end of the day, oh be in integrity with ourselves. When we say no to something, and we feel that no, but then everyone else around us is yes. We’re out of integrity if we’re not going with what we think we need to do. And again, there’s healthy input from coaches, you know, from trusted advisors, from therapists, whatever. We typically know it will be honest with ourselves when we’re crossing that line. 

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah. Yeah. What were the biggest, as you kind of talked about these three different ways people can help themselves recover, move away from perfectionism and into more self awareness, curiosity, self growth and kind of empowerment? What were the biggest changes you saw in your life? What areas of your life specifically kind of saw the most impact from making those changes? 

Vitale Buford 

So are the monsters I’m living my life is done is better than perfect. And so I would say, I am taking action on my claims, by striving to be myself, my imperfect, like whole self. So what I mean by that is I left corporate America with no savings as a single parent, because I was just, this is what I’m meant to do. I’m meant to be a coach. I’m meant to do this on my own. I’m going to do it imperfectly. I wrote and published my memoir. But in perfectly doing it if I’ve been stuck in a perfectionist mode, I’d still be talking about my book and it would never Let me just be honest, because memoir like it was super triggering to write my life story. 

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah, it would literally be impossible to write a perfect story, which is already impossible about a story that will never be finished and itself, let alone the story about the story.

Vitale Buford 

Right? So I would say done is better than perfect, like, letting like not letting perfection getting in the way of progress, not believing that there’s like a perfect time. Like, for me, when I was writing my book, I was like, this is what’s true for me right now. Like, this is what’s true for me right? Now, the second thing is just allowing yourself to be human and evolve. Like, when I started my business, everyone was like, Well, what are you gonna call it? What’s the website and look like it needs to be blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, I’m calling it batalik. For coaching, it may change in a few years, but we just need to get started. Like, I’m just gonna get a website up. And the website that I currently have is like the second or third iteration, so it’s just about, like, I didn’t step into my perfectionism and perfectionism. Until I would say, like, the last quarter of 2019, where I was like, alright, I’m gonna fully own this. And it’s because I allowed myself to evolve, know, find out what we like who we are, because we are revolving. And then I think to the third thing is really being the expert of me. Like that quote that I shared earlier, where it’s like, my worth sits in my choice of me. Not in your choice of me, I just for so long, outsource myself love and myself, trust everyone outside of me, bosses, coworkers, friends, family lovers, all of it. And I look to them for worthiness, and I made it their responsibility to make me the one who’s responsible for my self worth has been a huge game changer.

Sasza Lohrey

And must feel amazing.

Vitale Buford 

Yeah. And it’s not done here, like all of us are like, there’s always layers. There’s always over this. Yeah. So giving yourself that space, and doing the work and doing the hard stuff like, growth game is not easy. But staying the same is harder.

Sasza Lohrey

Yeah. I love that. And as we get ready to wrap up, I think these last few things really echoed the idea that imperfection makes life beautiful. And it’s through imperfection and living that more authentic side of ourselves that allows for more appreciation of what ourselves what’s around us. Moments, connections with other people that wouldn’t be possible with those same filters. They’re particularly if some people are also kind of putting that on to other people, those same expectations, those same criticisms and kind of holding other people to the same unhealthy standard and kind of invalid value system. And so the ways that imperfection, makes life beautiful, and how perfection. Besides being non existent not being real, it would be boring, it’s static, it doesn’t imply the same growth and the same learning and evolution that is inherently necessary to us as humans who are constantly changing not only in who we are, but the circumstances around us, a pandemic can come out of nowhere. All these things, everything is constantly in flux. And we need to be agile, adaptive, learning, growing humans and perfection. There’s no room for that. There’s no room for that growth and for kind of appreciation of simple things, of imperfect things and kind of that, which brings us joy and makes life more beautiful. Well, thank you so much for joining us today.

Vitale Buford 

I’m so honored.

Sasza Lohrey

That was wonderful. And I hope everybody tuning in now or later, can really use this as a chance to reflect on their own experiences and mindsets and the source through which they are finding worth and appreciation for themselves and others. So thank you so much, and I look forward to chatting again soon. Yeah. Thanks again for tuning in. And be sure to follow us on Instagram at BBXX.world for exciting updates, and even more fantastic content. And if you have any questions, comments or suggestions, shoot us a text at 1415888474 too, or shoot us an audio, which we love at that same number on WhatsApp. I’m your host Sazsa Laurie and remember, I’m always here learning a ton myself right along with you. 

 

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