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Episode 16: DON’T Fake It ‘Til You Make It (1/2)

The expression “fake it ’til you make it” or “fake it ’til you become it” works for many walks of life — but not in the bedroom and not in relationships. We can’t expect ourselves to be able to connect deeply with someone when we’re not being our true selves — and more importantly, if we don’t feel as though we can be our true selves with someone, then why should we want to be with them? In the first episode of our two-part interview with Vanessa Marin,  she shares her personal story about learning why faking orgasms needs to end — and teaches us how being authentic creates more fulfilling and pleasurable experiences in the bedroom. *Please remember to rate and leave a review for our podcast! Give us your feedback Follow us on Instagram! Facebook BBXX website Sign up for our digital “book” club — a twice-weekly curation of the best digital content about identity, sexuality, intimacy, and relationships!
The transcript wasn’t added for this episode.

On this episode we speak with Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex whose mission is to help people stop being embarrassed and ashamed and start having a lot more fun in the bedroom. In part one of our conversation, we discuss female orgasm, how to transform the ways we approach sex, and how focusing on the experience of sex – rather than the
performance – can create more fulfilling and pleasurable experiences. We hope that you learn something that you can bring into your bedroom!

Online Courses & Coaching

Building a suite of online courses began because so many women struggle to orgasm and are confused about why. Through online courses, Vanessa has been able to develop a large scale message to help. Her “Finishing School” courses are about learning how to orgasm alone and learning how to orgasm with a partner. Other courses offered cover performance anxiety,
increasing your libido, dealing with mismatched sex drives, and a 30 day sex challenge.

Stop Faking It!

You can’t learn how to have a real orgasm if you’re are spending your time being invested in the performance of faking it. You not only need to take the time to know what works for you – which we cannot agree with more – but we need to be part of a cultural revolution.

The ways we approach sex very much favor male pleasure. And women are being socialized to sabotage our ability to enjoy sex and experience pleasure out of it.

Because the habit of faking orgasm can almost become instinctual, we need to do the work to change the script. Learning how to communicate better with your partner so that you both can have more pleasurable experiences is one way to help stop faking orgasm. Make sure that you’re having the sex life you want to lead.

Culture & Media

What if we saw real sex on screen – wouldn’t this be amazing? Dan Savage’s Hump Film Festival is going into its fifteenth year and is an independent porn film festival that showcases diverse and authentic sex. Who knew that “real” sex on screen would be so revolutionary! It’s always nice to be reminded that sex doesn’t have to be serious or perfect – it’ about experiencing a full range of emotional expression.

Sexual Misconceptions

The biggest and most damaging belief is that sex is natural, easy, and effortless. As we gain access to more realistic views of sex and what sex lives look like, we can be more realistic about the communication and effort involved in having a fulfilling sex life.

Unique Partner – Unique Sex

Each partner brings their own experiences and interests. As you get to know yourself and what you like, a new partner can open your eyes to new experiences so that you can try new things together. In exploring each other’s sexual interests, while respecting each other’s boundaries, it
can be a way to better understand not only your desires, but your partner’s as well. Everyone is different, so there are no specific skill sets that make sex great – it’s about being present with your partner in the moment that can make for the best sex.

There’s no such thing as being universally good in bed.

About the Expert

Vanessa Marin

Vanessa Marin is a writer and licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy.  She created her platform, VMTherapy, to help people bring joy into their relationships and sex lives by inspiring them to obliterate the shame and embarrassment that we have all been taught to have.  Vanessa shares the accurate information and practical, actionable, tools to help people have the best sex they can.