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Episode 17: DON’T Fake It ‘Til You Make It (2/2)

You don’t have the exact same sexual preferences for frequency, duration, and time of day as your partner? Welcome to the club! Population: everyone. No one has the same exact libido. Therefore, everyone has mismatched libidos! So, what do you say we start learning from it, instead of just letting it get in the way? In the second episode of our two-part interview with Vanessa Marin, she teaches us how to learn from our libido and how to “turn down our partner without rejecting them.” She also talks about how to cultivate more kindness towards our body — even when it feels like it’s betraying us. *Please remember to rate and leave a review for our podcast! Give us your feedback Follow us on Instagram! Facebook BBXX website Sign up for our digital “book” club — a twice-weekly curation of the best digital content about identity, sexuality, intimacy, and relationships!
The transcript wasn’t added for this episode.

On this episode, we continue our discussion with Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex whose mission is to help people stop being embarrassed and ashamed and start having a lot more fun in the bedroom. We talk about mismatched libido, why it’s important to
be more kind to our bodies, and how loving yourself can open you up to experience more love and pleasure with others. Enjoy!

Turning Your Partner Down

It’s normal for you and your partner to desire sex at different times of the day – so it’s totally normal for you to not be in the mood when your partner may initiate sex. There are mismatched libidos in every relationship! It’s in these moments where there is a lot of opportunity to learn.

When these moments happen, it can help you to think about the situations and contexts which open you up to your partner’s initiations… and which contexts and situations turn you off. Vanessa developed The Passion Project to help partners better understand how to navigate these different and varied sex drives within a relationship.

What About Men?

Everyone has had the experience of your body not doing what you want it to do. For heterosexual men, the three most frequent performance challenges are: 1. difficulty getting, or staying, hard, 2.
orgasming too quickly, or 3. not being able to reach orgasm at all.

Socialization of Our Bodies and Sex

We were not being born ashamed of our bodies, we were taught to be.

Many of the struggles we face are because of things we have been taught, or cultured, to believe. Just like shame for our bodies, our culture also shames sex, and we exist in this cultural context which affects our relationships with ourselves and others.

Bodies and Pain

A practical tip for you and your relationship with your body, especially when you may be feeling betrayed by your body: begin to imagine having a conversation with your body. But rather than shaming or being mad at your body, speak with empathy to yourself. Recognize the feeling you have towards your body – hurt, or anger, or pain, or gratitude – and be honest with yourself. And remember to be gentle!

About the Expert

Vanessa Marin

Vanessa Marin is a writer and licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy.  She created her platform, VMTherapy, to help people bring joy into their relationships and sex lives by inspiring them to obliterate the shame and embarrassment that we have all been taught to have.  Vanessa shares the accurate information and practical, actionable, tools to help people have the best sex they can.

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