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Episode 21

In the second episode with Dr. Emily Nagoski, she explains the difference between “liking” something and “desiring” it. We also delve into attachment theory and the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. We examine how our desire is a system of “accelerators” and “brakes” that, once understood, help us take the driver’s seat of our own desire and pleasure.

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No transcript found for this episode.

On this week’s episode, we speak with Emily Nagoski Ph.D, a sexual wellbeing educator and author of one of our favorite books, Come As You Are, as well as Burnout. We cover the gamut in discussing how to listen to your inner voice and have compassion for your inner madwoman as well as how our anatomy is made of the same parts, just configured differently. We hope that you enjoy learning about ways to have more self compassion and understand yourself. *Moana spoilers included.

Personal Strength

Learning to listen to your internal voice – what feels right for you? What doesn’t feel right? Especially if you have a more subtle inner voice, here are some tips to help you gain access: begin to recognize that as a “girl” you have been cultured from birth to not believe in your voice, and you can undo this through a mindfulness practice. Learning to quiet both the interior and exterior noises around you to listen to your inner critic with kindness and compassion.

Inner Madwoman

Recognizing a mistake rather than an inherent character flaw. By turning towards our inner mad woman with kindness and compassion, you can learn about your fear, rage, and worry, so that you can more fully grow and address those fears. Many women express that their inner madwoman is
angry, but incredibly vulnerable. Emily describes this madwoman as being like Te Ka (lava monster) who is really Te Fiti (goddess of life).

Come As You Are

All of our bodies are made of all the same parts, just organized in a different way.

An example of this is the Labia Majora, which is stretchy skin that will grow hair later, which is the same tissue as the scrotum, also stretchy skin that will grow hair later. In the womb, this tissue is called scrotal-labia tissue.
Another example is how the penis is similar to the clitoris – both include a sensitive head with a structure that swells when aroused. If you don’t know about the internal clitoris – check it out here and share your knowledge far and wide!

What’s up with the Hymen?

The hymen is just leftover tissue from differentiation in utero. Most of what we think we know about the hymen is cultural bullshit. The idea that the hymen is a symbol of whether or not a vagina has been penetrated is a lie. Patriarchal society used the hymen as a marker for “purity” when in reality, scientific evidence proves this completely wrong; there is no relationship
between a person’s hymen and their sexual activities.

Behavioral Inadequacies

Behavior is a snapshot at what’s happening in a person’s life, but the way to actually know what’s happening takes a much deeper dive.

Trying to understand sex by looking at behavior is like trying to understand love by looking at a couple’s wedding portrait.

Bikini Industrial Complex

A profit machine that only makes money when we hate our bodies and are convinced we need to change them in some way. Not to mention, that this “thin ideal” is a 500 Billion dollar industry!

By learning to love ourselves, we can step away from the cultural scripts that continually make women feel less than when it comes to their bodies.

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About the Expert

Emily Nagoski

Emily Nagoski

writer. educator. researcher. activist. nerd.

A gifted and engaging speaker, Emily is an expert on women's sexual wellbeing, healthy relationships, and the prevention of sexual violence and harassment. People bring Emily, because Emily "brings the science."

Episode Discussion

Home Forums Episode 20 & 21 – “Pleasure Is The Measure” with Emily Nagoski

  • Episode 20 & 21 – “Pleasure Is The Measure” with Emily Nagoski

  • Valentina 

    September 21, 2020 at 8:41 am
    • What did you learn about yourself?
    • What did you learn about culture?
    • What was your favorite quote?
    • What surprised you most?
    • What is one way you can enact what you learned in your own life?
    • How can we each help shift the culture and the conversation surrounding this topic?
  • Amy

    September 21, 2020 at 12:26 pm

    The thing that I learned about myself while listening to these episodes was that the male and female anatomy are made of the same parts and that I am normal. The thing that I learned about culture is that it tells men and women that liking something is the same as desiring it, when there is a difference. The thing that surprised me most was that our desire is a system of accelerators and brakes and that once we understand that we can take the drivers seat of our own desire and pleasure. The way that I can enact what I learned in my own life is to understand the difference between like and desire when it comes to sex with a future partner. The way that we can shift the culture and conversation around this topic is to educate ourselves about the difference between liking and desiring, as well as not putting pressure on ourselves to perform.

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