- Casual Conversations: The Art of Self-Discovery
- Episode 57: Masculine vs. Feminine vs. HUMAN
- Casual Conversations: Don’t Apologize for Being Human
- Episode 56: The Complexity of Simplicity
- Casual Conversations: The Paradox of Perfection
- Food For Thought: Jealousy vs. Envy
- Food For Thought: Thankful vs. Grateful
- Episode 55: To Care for Others, Care for Yourself
- Casual Conversations: Anxiety, Boundaries, and Meditation
- Episode 54: Accessibility & Equity in Mental Health Care
- En Español: El Poder de la Mente Sobre el Cuerpo
- Episode 53: Sexual Liberation & The Wisdom of Aging
- Episode 52: Cohabitation, Gender Roles, and The Summer of Love
- Episode 51: The Lies We Tell Ourselves About The Truth
- Episode 50: An Industry of Injustice (4/4)
- Episode 49: This Is Actually Happening (3/4)
- Episode 48: Standing By vs. Being An Ally (2/4)
- Recommendations & Reviews: Boogie Nights
- Food For Thought: Contradiction vs. Complementation
- Food For Thought: Curiosity vs. Criticism
- Episode 47: Sexual “Empowerment” Sells (1/4)
- Recommendations & Reviews: The Culture Map
- Food For Thought: Celebrating The Small Wins
- Food For Thought: The Many Roads To Happiness
- En Español: Sexualidad e Igualdad
- Casual Conversations: Communication, Mindfulness, and Pleasure
- Food For Thought: Operational Definitions
- Food For Thought: Memory Tissue
- Episode 46: The Nutrition Facts of Life
- Casual Conversations: The Lost Art of Letter Writing
- Food For Thought: Attribution Theory
- Food For Thought: Coronavirus vs. Connection
- Bonus Episode: The Psychology of Solitary
- Episode 45: Love, Loss & The Meaning Of Life (2/2)
- Episode 44: Love, Loss & The Meaning Of Life (1/2)
- Live Workshop: Navigating Anxiety During COVID
- Episode 43: The Body Knows Best
- Episode 42: (Un)Censoring Pleasure
- Episode 41: Bring On The Heat (2/2)
- Episode 40: Bring On The Heat (1/2)
- Episode 39: The Myth of Marriage (2/2)
- Episode 38: The Myth of Marriage (1/2)
- Episode 37: Same Page, Different Book (2/2)
- Episode 36: Same Page, Different Book (1/2)
- Episode 35: Humans In Progress (2/2)
- Episode 34: Humans In Progress (1/2)
- Episode 33: The Strength In Our Scars (2/2)
- Episode 32: The Strength In Our Scars (1/2)
- Episode 31: Masculinity & Authenticity (2/2)
- Episode 30: Masculinity & Authenticity (1/2)
- Episode 29: Addiction & Intimacy – From Harm to Healing (2/2)
- Episode 28: Addiction & Intimacy – From Harm to Healing (1/2)
- New Trailer: Let’s Get Intimate!
- Episode 27: You Can’t Be What You Can’t See (2/2)
- Episode 26: You Can’t Be What You Can’t See (1/2)
- Episode 25: Why Relationships Fail vs. Flourish (2/2)
- Episode 24: Why Relationships Fail vs. Flourish (1/2)
- Episode 23: The Evolution of (Non)Monogamy (2/2)
- Episode 22: The Evolution of (Non)Monogamy (1/2)
- Episode 21: “Pleasure Is The Measure” (2/2)
- Episode 20: “Pleasure Is The Measure” (1/2)
- Episode 19: Sex Sells? Or Insecurity Sells… (2/2)
- Episode 18: Sex Sells? Or Insecurity Sells… (1/2)
- Episode 17: DON’T Fake It ‘Til You Make It (2/2)
- Episode 16: DON’T Fake It ‘Til You Make It (1/2)
- Episode 15: Mindfulness For Sexual Connection
- Episode 14: Keeping It “Casual” (2/2)
- Episode 13: Keeping It “Casual” (1/2)
- Episode 12: The Birds & The Bees (2/2)
- Episode 11: The Birds & The Bees (1/2)
- Episode 10: Love & Death
- Episode 9: Communication- Mind and Body
- Episode 8: The Power of Sexual Healing (2/2)
- Episode 7: The Power of Sexual Healing (1/2)
- Episode 6: Redefining Masculinity and “The Million Dollar Point”
- Episode 5: Creating Body Maps and Reconnecting with Pleasure
- Episode 4: (In) Fidelity in The Time of Technology
- Episode 3: Let’s Get Cliterate! Narrowing The Orgasm Gap
- Episode 2: Today’s Not So “Liberated” Sex Culture (2/2)
- Episode 1: Today’s Not So “Liberated” Sex Culture (1/2)
- Episode 0: Google doesn’t have all the answers
- Trailer: Let’s Get Intimate!
Let's Get Intimate!
Episode 33: The Strength In Our Scars (2/2)
The way you kind of put it in your talk was giving men permission, direction and a place to practice. And I think that that’s so important for, for men and for all of us. And I think many of us do, don’t give ourselves permission, let alone kind of seeking the direction or the place to practice and practice in the practical meaning of the word which would imply frequency and consistency. Another quote that came up in your talk, you say it’s time for us to recognize that men are hurting. And because men are hurting, they’re hurting themselves, and they’re hurting other people. And in your talk with your wife, she says hurt people hurt people taking it kind of to a much broader level, because obviously it does extend beyond men as well. And so I found that to be again, it’s such a simple yet profound thing, but I really resonated and I think There’s so much truth behind it that hurt people hurt people.
I feel like that’s a very core thing that if if we could get that message or understanding sort of spread around in a real way could fundamentally alter some pretty big things. And I always put out a little bit of a caveat here I may live in a pretty big bubble or you know, a one faceted bubble and but I also have been around and I’ve worked with with people intimately from all over the globe in all walks of life and I’ve worked with the bullies and the rapist and the perpetrators and the and what I’ve found is that people at their core are good and don’t like hurting other people. It’s very few people very few people ever met that I walked away feeling like something’s really wrong and off and and they don’t have in their in their most sort of pure and relaxed since they don’t have the welfare of others in mind. What so what I have found? I really do believe this is that I’m, well, let me say this. Another very clear statistical truth is that perpetrators of sexual violence, the percentage at which they were perpetrated upon, is through the roof. Right people don’t do these things to other people out of nowhere. It is it is like a sickness that’s passed on. And it’s we’re talking about things that incur such pain and such intense feelings and emotions and that I think there’s this path to healing this that is so it’s such a huge ask of people in general, to have compassion for those who hurt other people. But I learned this from these boys out in the woods and out in the desert like The bullies, the bullies out there, the ones who were, you know, the hardest on other people, man, they were the ones that were hurt the deepest it was just so painfully obvious. And they needed love. They didn’t, you know, whatever in their formation of their humanity, they, they, they didn’t get the love and the nurturing they needed. And that became their reality. And then they were just, you know, playing it out on others. And in so that’s some of the extreme stuff. But in the less extreme stuff. We’re just talking about our friends and our family and our partners and our kids and our co workers. You know, life is pretty damn overwhelming. And again, I think people generally mean well, but when we don’t deal with our own pain, when we don’t deal with our own trauma, when we don’t have avenues for this energy that gets kind of trapped in us to move through and to heal and to go elsewhere. We unwittingly hurt I mean, you know, and I’m just as guilty as anybody. I hurt my kids feelings that hurt my wife and I sure as hell don’t want to or mean to, but it does happen. You know, and and not saying that maybe we’ll ever get to a place where we don’t hurt each other. I think that’s part of life, but a whole heck of a lot of it comes from. And that’s why, to me, one of the big culprits here is repression, repression of feeling repression of trauma, repression of experience. It just isn’t healthy. It just doesn’t work. It’s like it’s a very maladaptive strategy.
Yeah, and everybody needing that permission that we spoke about earlier, and to kind of be able to stop perpetuating these these patterns, whether it’s in kind of the behavior of the perpetrators themselves, or in our own interpretation. And kind of the things we project onto others as well. And I think with those barriers we put up, you know, it’s easier to assume somebody was bad intentioned than to ask the questions and put yourself out there trying to dig deeper and find out why they said or did something. And, you know, for them to dig into that as well. But I think you’re totally right, repression can become toxic. And research shows repression of emotions can come out as physical health problems and kinds of things. And I think, I 100% believe that and you actually one sided a study about emotional trauma and if you keep shoving it down, how it can kind of fester, even lock itself in and then you become locked into these thought patterns or ways of thinking or you lock in the damage and it becomes harder and harder, if not impossible. to rewire that, I can’t remember what study that that is, or if it was the same one that talks about how emotional pain can be more painful and last longer than physical pain.
Yeah, yeah, that’s a It’s been a while since I read that exact quote. But yes, the reality of emotional pain is since it’s less visible from the outer perspective, it kind of gets washed over a little bit, but it runs our life. I mean, it’s interesting. We know, there’s parts of society that we know that our emotions run our lives. I mean, marketing is 100% based on our emotions and manipulating them, our movies, storytelling, entertainment, everything has to do with sort of this emotional driver of reward and all this stuff. And yeah, I think I actually think that there’s a, a budding area of exploration and learning in the emotional realm through knowing Psychology and, you know other new ways of inquiring, that is, could be potentially globe shifting in terms of if we can come to grips with our emotional reality as humans. I think that it without just, you know, putting it to the side or going hyper rational, I think there’s an integration of our emotional life that is being pioneered and maybe it’s not new, but I do think that we’re on the edge of some potentially interesting times with that.
On the surface, when people hear that kind of, you know, emotional pain versus physical pain, maybe it’s kind of would make them think, oh, wow, really interesting or something. But if you sit and think about it, it should be fairly obvious and is kind of logical, you know, if you break or do you know, you hit your hand, you slam your hand in the door or whatever. I mean, most things that causes coping heal on their own. If not, you know, you get a sling or a cast or a boot. And you know, you limp around for a while, and obviously certain other things, surgeries, etc. But if something happens to emotionally or traumatically you don’t just it doesn’t heal on its own. And even if you put a sling or you know, take the weight off of it and limp around for a while, you’re not gonna get anywhere, you know, you have to do the work, you have to actively create a very tiresome and difficult healing process that you on your own have to manufacture and with help and support from other people, it is completely different. And when you compare them as that, you know, it’s kind of like Wow, that’s really intense compared to breaking my wrist or whatever it is, you know, Just getting smashed with a hammer for a bit. And so going deeper into the hurt people hurt people and in the context of men, and in the light of our operating definitions, I’d love to know how you would define toxic masculinity and what you think the cultural consequences of it are.
Yeah, I just gave a talk. And I did a couple minutes on this. And it was interesting to dive into it myself because, you know, I compiled some data and gave the facts you know, of right now. In the UK, the leading cause for death for males under 45 is suicide. Globally, 96% of homicides are committed by men. And in the US, the sexual violence statistics that we hopefully have all heard or need to hear more is, you know, one in five women are raped sometime in their life and one in three or sex should have coercive sexual violence against them at some point, and these are conservative numbers. So but from that point of view from a statistical analysis, if you sort of zoom out, I think it’s actually very, it’s a fair, it’s a fair assessment, to say that masculinity is toxic, right? I think that an immense amount of the the pain and the hurt that’s visible in our society, you know, comes at the hands of men, I think it goes deeper than that. And it’s more complicated than that. But from a surface level, I think it’s fair. I think the reality as we’ve already talked about here, or alluded to, is that if we stop at that level, we are only in the realm of the reactive and we’re only in the realm of, of this of the outer sort of, but if you follow That pain deeper to its source. You find a bunch of very unhealthy and unhappy and hurting men, men who have very little grasp of their own sexuality, and very little education or understanding of who they are in terms of fundamental identity, and you have a heck of a lot of men who, again repress the majority of the things that they feel and it doesn’t matter man, women who you are life is traumatic. Life is painful. Life is hard. It just is it’s an it’s an intense thing. And, and we have an entire and it’s this isn’t just relegated to men, but it’s enough that we can talk about it this way that we have half of the globe in some ways, are really disconnected from some of their most fundamental human needs, which is this emotional health. And this, honestly what it comes down to is connection and love with other people at a deep enough level, to feel safe, safe enough to learn who they are safe enough to, you know, get rid of the gunk they’re holding on to safe enough to really develop and mature in a in a fundamentally healthy human way. And I think that that labeled toxic masculinity, there’s a big reaction against it, you know, it’s like, we’re not toxic, you know, which I think is fair to I don’t you know, I don’t necessarily know if that phrase is overall helpful or not helpful. But I think from just a very simple way it’s describing something that’s happening. It’s I don’t think it can be ignored, it can’t be ignored.
Going off of that a bit. Do you think there should be a definition of kind of what it means to be a man and what would your definition of that be? How might it be different? the definition of being a human?
Well, so yeah, it’s not that’s the answer is it’s really not. But I think that the definition that I feel is helpful and appropriate is descriptive as so descriptive, as opposed to prescriptive, right. So we could just we could come up with a new definition. So today’s man is connected. Today’s man is vulnerable. Today’s man is all this. But I think that’s even wrongheaded. In a lot of ways, I think a descriptive version of masculinity or manhood is the only way to go and what that would be, is that the only measure the only definition of a man is how much are you you How much are you able to be your fully expressed self, how much of yourself are you open to? If you identify as a man, then you are one in need. Don’t have to really prove it. And this idea, this kind of old idea of the man card where you have to prove your manhood you have to show your toughness, you know, I think if we’re prescriptive about it, it’s just gonna keep the pattern going. So maybe in the future off to prove my vulnerability, right, I have to prove my, my connection, all of this stuff now, just be you because what’s in you is actually good, right? And I think he kind of hinges on that belief in fundamental human goodness. And so yeah, if you identify as a man and like, you don’t even have to come up with if you just are and if you want something deeper is how much are you actually being you like, and that’s the human part. That that seems to be what’s at the heart of most therapy, spiritual traditions, all these things like, just be human.
yeah. And I think that Again, it’s one of those things where then it’s those questions. How do you feel? What do you want? Who are you? And then it becomes scary because I think a lot of us don’t know who we are.
Yeah, we don’t. It’s intense. But like that is that’s it right there.
Yeah. And so being able to kind of give up that whatever kind of facade version of ourself and dig deeper and as you even mentioned earlier, you know, sometimes there’s a significant amount of cognitive dissonance where somebody might realize shit, I’m not who I thought I am or my actions, you know, my actions say I’m something different than I am. But if you dig behind that and kind of get to the truth, and get to the goodness, you know, you can come out of it with this self understanding and understand, Oh, those actions were symptoms. They’re not the root of who I am. It’s was from that lack of Self understanding. And so I think that for people as well who are kind of acting out or perhaps, you know, creating toxic patterns or hurt people who are hurting other people digging deeper might actually mean realizing that, you know, at their core, they’re good. And obviously, there are exceptions to all of this. But I do love that idea of us, each giving our selves one the chance to realize we can be better and to to actually have the courage to find out who we are and better understand ourselves.
And it does take courage, it takes a willingness, right, you know, whether it’s, that’s the one quality that the only quality I look for, in people, you know, to come to every man to work with me, is just, yeah. Are you willing, and it does, I think it does take courage, but that kind of dramatizes a little bit like, you know, such Some people are driven to this sort of inner exploration by need, right? I mean, for, I think a lot of times pain will drive us to this. But I get excited about the proactive possibility of creating, you know, communities and families and in a world where we don’t all have to spend most of our life, living out a whole bunch of other people’s ideas and then go through immense amounts of energy output to find ourselves again, right. I mean, I have zero idea if it’s possible, and this might, but for my two boys, you know, in our family, I would, I would love to get ahead of that for them. I would love for them to be to grow up intact and to know who they are and to know some simple realities of themselves. It’s not that life won’t get messy and complicated. I’m sure it will, but it does seem to be a heck of a lot of recovery work we’re all doing.
And as we get closer to wrapping up, I wanted to kind of go back to kind of more of your personal experience and, you know, remind people listening, I think, especially for a lot of people, I imagine, you know, you could read Dan, co founder of every man doing this doing that must know everything, his relationships must be perfect. And just kind of project this, this image when in reality, I think part of what makes people’s relationships better or worse is more just the willingness or the dedication to working on them, not necessarily a lack of effort, perhaps even kind of more effort in some cases. And so I’d love for you to just kind of speak to as a father and as a husband, couple of the most important things you’ve learned. You know, in terms of like actionable advice for other people. Shared insight.
Well, the the biggest lesson, the biggest lessons from the marriage is that, that there is there is no room for putting things off, not speaking to them deception, anything like there’s just like there it is only harmful, bad if something comes up and I just, you know, pretend it didn’t happen or it just doesn’t work it so it’s like it’s an upfront. I mean my wife just she’s just so ultra sensitive to what’s going on so far more than me that if I ever think that I’m fooling her or can get away with something, it’s just it just doesn’t work dealing with reality as it comes up I think is The biggest lesson that I continue to learn over and over. And in addition to that, these are the hard ones that I guess I’m coming up with here, but the other hard one is to just get out of my own head over and over and over and over. And when you know, it still, like, ultimately surprises me in my own little narcissistic world where I’m thinking about what I want and what I need and what would be good and, and then, you know, look over and my wife’s on a totally different plane. You know, my first instinct is to be like, God damn it, but it’s just, it just happens to be that she’s another human being with a whole different world going on. And so just getting out of my head and taking that like that moment to get on her page and see what’s going on and see where she’s at. And, and she does the same for me too, you know, it’s not a onesided thing at all. But again, that’s that’s very basic and sort of, I don’t know how actionable that is, but the practice of getting out of my own head is never ending honestly. And actually with the kids, it’s a little bit easier, for whatever reason, I guess maybe I have less expectations or needs from them. So in terms of the kids, I think the, the most important actionable thing I can think of is just to drop everything else when there is time for it, drop everything else, and just simply be present with it. And that’s it, you know, whatever that means, whether we’re playing or reading or just hanging out or cooking for them dinner, shutting off the work, shutting off the phone, shutting off the thoughts about other things, shutting off the, you know, my own needs for a little bit and just being totally completely immersively present with them. I don’t think there’s anything more that I could bring to them that would be good for everybody involved. And that that actually translates to my marriage and my wife too. It’s just when the time calls for it as much as 100% presences that I can bring there to what’s going on
Yeah. And that’s hard to do sometimes. But so important and kind of with the kids, I think people often talk about how they can be kind of our biggest teachers. And they can also be a mirror that is all of a sudden held up, and we see kind of our bad habits or histories or experiences coming through and all of a sudden, you know, maybe need to deal with some of the stuff we hadn’t before. Because once you realize, Oh, well, this baggage can be passed along. You do I want to give this to my kids, you know, they adopt everything that you might even not have consciously realized, you know, you were dragging along with you this whole time and so I think, yeah, a unique opportunity for learning and reflecting is kind of forced upon you in a way. And you say that for you having kids was kind of a big moment and changed your life in a way. So I’m kind of curious how you think that might change people in general, but specifically how you think you can change men.
I think if a man allows that to happen, I feel like the passage of having children raises the stakes of life so much higher immediately, that it can basically force a hell of a lot of growth and maturation in a short period of time. It just, it just is this seems to be this beautiful, fundamentally, like deep human thing that happens. I mean, you can’t help it you start thinking about your own dad, you start thinking about About your own childhood, you think about how you want to show up how you are showing up. This, I think it’s actually a time period that you can take advantage of and harness in a really meaningful way. And, and it’s the stakes, it really is, you know, and yeah, having my first son Duke was the biggest kick in the pants, it was just a clear message that I had to pursue this path that I’m on now and, and share this and teach this and bring this to the world. And it directly led to the starting of every man, it was like a one to one ratio, it was that he was born and the green button was hit. That’s like, Alright, we’re going now. full commitment. And, I mean, it’s so far beyond a rational explanation, my understanding of my life, my understanding of my marriage, my sort of the actual fundamentals of what is meaningful shifted has shifted for me so deeply. And, and you’re right, we can’t get away. We can’t get away with bullshit in a way we can’t fool our kids ever. Right? I was saying that that’s I think that’s actually the gift of commitment and a lot of ways is you can’t get away with things. You can’t fool people. I can’t fool my boys, I can’t fool my wife. So, here I am with myself having to deal with myself completely, which is beautiful. You know, it’s that uncomfortable, but very beneficial way of living life.
I love it. And when you’re uncomfortable when we’re out of our comfort zone, that’s where the most growth happens.
Yeah, I agree with that. And I do think that there’s another whole avenue of growth, that is the acceptance of comfort, acceptance of pleasure, the acceptance of a positivity and receiving and that that’s actually a bring that up because, for a lot of men, that’s oftentimes even harder. You know, like, the guy’s like, Oh, we could handle pain. Well, you know, push harder Will you know, blah, blah. But then you turn around like, Hey, can you enjoy that success? Can you just relax for a bit with your family? Can you just take it easy be comfortable and no, they fucking can’t. So, I think I think it’s both directions.
Yeah, that plays into the safety.
Totally, totally. There’s this huge cultural narrative of this masculine, you know, toughing through things that I think is obviously helpful in many ways, but over relied upon.
Okay, so to wrap things up, I just have a set. It’s two short sets of rapid fire questions. The first one you give an answer, either you pick one of the options or you you give your answer to the question, and then the second round, I’ll stop and explain but the second round is association. Okay, pizza or pasta.
sunrise yoga or dancing till sunrise.
drink of choice
Love it. Hugs or kisses,
sex or intimacy
nature or nurture
best year of your life.
who is your hero?
What kind of dog would you be?
My god, that’s a good question. I would be a, like an Irish Wolfhound.
Something you’re excited for in the next year?
Moving into a house
Favorite tough question.
How are you?
Nice. Okay. So the second round is just a word association. So I’ll say a word and then you say whatever comes to mind.
Jeez it’s an image I think in images of bodies.
shit I don’t know me. Happy
Be a man.
Hope Rollins, my friend,
a fun podcast
Okay, amazing. Amazing. Thank you so much for joining us today.
Those are hard
I know right? It’s high stakes. I’m on the other end. I’d have anxiety right now. Oh, I’m like I could write even more so fun. I’m glad you liked the what dog would you be? Sometimes I think like, what kitchen appliance or utensil you’d be.
Yeah, I’m actually going to spend some time thinking about the dog one. That’s a good one.
Let me know if you change your answer. Well, thanks so much for joining us today.
In this week’s episode, we meet with Dan Doty, a men’s coach and the co-founder of Evryman, a men’s retreat program that focuses on emotional wellness to destigmatize men’s vulnerability and empower individuals to build deeper connections. We discuss the therapeutic benefits of nature, the importance of addressing and healing old wounds, and the power of presence. We also delve into the toxic nature of repression and why our society, namely men, have been groomed into using repression as a coping tactic.
The Beauty in the Breakdown
To quote The School of Life, “A breakdown is not merely a random piece of madness or malfunction, it is a very real – albeit very inarticulate – bid for health. It is an attempt by one part of our minds to force the other into a process of growth, self-understanding and self-development which it has hitherto refused to undertake.”
In other words, a breakdown is a very clear, and very loud, cry from your truest self that something needs to change — that you have deeper desires that have been ignored, repressed, or forgotten. It’s a call for authenticity. So while it may feel catastrophic, recognize the breakdown as a momentous opportunity for growth and ultimate clarity.
Careful Before Putting Others Before You
It’s important to heal your own wounds before immersing yourself in helping others. That’s not to say you need to be perfectly okay before helping those around you, but be careful of helping others in order to boost your own ego or to feel better about your own issues. People love at their level of consciousness. Heal yourself and your capability to heal and guide others will expand remarkably.
“I do think there is something that we all have for each other that we can dial up higher, which is our own presence to be there for each other in deeper ways. ”
Stop Preaching, Start Being Present
You don’t need a degree or accreditations to help others heal. Everyone is capable of o!ering the most healing gift of all — true presence. The ability to show up for other people and be present in their moments of darkness or pain is one of the most powerful agents of healing. Forget doling out the perfect advice (something our ego loves to do) or trying to fix someone else’s issues. Instead, actively listen and be present.
Into the Wild, The Ultimate Healer
Dan emphasizes the inexplicable healing power of disconnecting from society and going out into the wild. With the forest bathing movement and the recent practice of doctors writing prescriptions for time spent outdoors, it’s clear society as a whole is becoming more conscious of nature’s power. Immersing yourself in the wild allows you to slow down and tune into your somatic awareness, allowing you to tap into your more authentic thoughts and desires.
“Nature subtly, but firmly, resets our system back to a more receptive and humble and less narcissistic and more interrelated way of being. ”
Quick Take: Define Safety
Complete and utter relaxation. Total surrender, where no guards are up.
The Hakomi Method
- Unity: an inclusive awareness of the interrelatedness of things
- Organicity: the recognition and honoring or each person’s individuality
- Mind/Body/Spirit Holism: the assumption that all elements of experience are essential.
- Mindfulness: the value of being genuinely aware of exactly what is happening
- Nonviolence: a commitment to respect and loving regard
- Truth: the pursuit of the actual nature of things
- Change: the trust that things can and will move and evolve
- Establish Relationship
- Create safety within relationship and within the client
- Elicit Mindfulness
- Create Experiments
- Reveal the held core material
- State specific processing
- Transformation of the limiting experience
- Completion of the work
The Pain of Repression
Dan emphasizes the toxicity of repression, stating that it’s a “maladaptive strategy” to dealing with issues. Studies have repeatedly found that repression of emotions can cause physical health consequences. One study demonstrated “that individuals who repress their emotions also suppress their body’s immunity, making them more vulnerable to a variety of illnesses ranging from common colds to cancer.”
Statistics of Toxic Masculinity
- In the UK, the leading cause of death for males under the age of 45 is suicide
- Globally, 96% of homicides are committed by men
- 1 in 5 women will be raped at some point in their lives
- 96% of people who sexually abuse children are male
“When we don’t deal with our own pain, when we don’t have avenues for this energy that gets trapped in us to move through and heal and go elsewhere, we unwittingly hurt others. ”
The Biggest Lessons from Marriage & Fatherhood
- There is no room for putting things o!. Deal with reality as it comes up.
- Get out of your own head and take the time to get on the same page with your spouse.
- When the time calls for it, drop everything else and be totally present.
Dan’s Recommended Resources
With men’s mental health becoming more openly discussed in the media, there are now an increasing number of organisations attempting to help men connect better with their emotions. Founded by Dan Doty in 2016, Evryman does just that, arranging retreats that aim to teach men to slow down, feel their feelings, and express themselves with vulnerability.
International teacher and relationship expert Michaela Boehm answers questions about intimacy, dating, and relationships. Learn how to create ‘the spark’, and keep it alive, while staying deeply connected to yourself and others in an increasingly busy world.
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Alysse Doty is a renowned truth teller and remover of obstacles. She has studied with some of the world’s leading masters in sacred healing, meditation, intuitive guidance, and yoga.
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About the Expert
Dan Doty is a men's coach, mentor, and the co-founder of EVRYMAN, a men’s retreat program that focuses on emotional wellness to destigmatize men’s vulnerability and empower individuals to build deeper connections. Dan works with men to help them access repressed areas of emotion and desire—resulting in relaxed confidence and an increased ability to connect deeply with others. His company, EVRYMAN, is dedicated to helping men connect and help each other to lead more successful, fulfilling lives with the goal of not only inspiring and improving the lives of men, their communities—and humanity at large Dan and his work with EVRYMAN have been featured by TedX, the Joe Rogan Show, The TODAY show, Men’s Health, and CNBC.
Dan Doty is a men's coach, mentor, and the co-founder of EVRYMAN, a men’s retreat program that focuses on emotional wellness to destigmatize men’s vulnerability and empower individuals to build deeper connections.
Dan works with men to help them access repressed areas of emotion and desire—resulting in relaxed confidence and an increased ability to connect deeply with others. His company, EVRYMAN, is dedicated to helping men connect and help each other to lead more successful, fulfilling lives with the goal of not only inspiring and improving the lives of men, their communities—and humanity at large
Dan and his work with EVRYMAN have been featured by TedX, the Joe Rogan Show, The TODAY show, Men’s Health, and CNBC.