The site is in beta mode & no orders are being fulfilled. Updates & improvements coming soon — thank you for your patience!

Catch it on

Episodes

Podcast Forum

Contact Us

Have feedback? Want to be a guest on the podcast? Questions, comments or concerns? Contact us by clicking here!

Episode 6

Masculinity, prostate pleasure, shame, and multiple orgasms. In this episode we talk about the evolution of masculinity over the last few decades- from different cultural stereotypes, to new challenges, and the consequences of “toxic” masculinity. Our guest on the show is Charlie Glickman, the author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, with whom we also discuss the role of shame in men’s pleasure and the “Million Dollar Point,” a seldom talked about spot that allegedly allows men to have multiple orgasms.

Show Notes!

Follow us on Instagram!

Facebook

BBXX website

Sign up for our digital “book” club — a twice-weekly curation of the best digital content about identity, sexuality, intimacy, and relationships!

Sasza 

Everybody today we have Charlie Glickman joining us. Thank you for being here at the age second interview we’re doing here at the conference in Denver, Colorado.

Charlie  

It’s lovely to be here. Thanks for having me.

Sasza  

Yeah, to jump into things I kind of wanted to first talk a bit about, you cover many themes from prostate play to shame to relationships of all kinds, communication, authenticity. And I wanted to kind of get a background for our listeners to catch them up to speed and talk a little bit about how really the landscape of masculinity has evolved over the last decades and certainly going farther back in time. But if you could just speak a little bit to how things have changed how the definition of what it means to be a man, how people perceive that and how they feel about themselves in relation to that definition, how it’s changed for the better, and perhaps for the worst, let’s say well.

Charlie  

where to start with that. I think, even though masculinity and images of masculinity have changed to a degree Fundamentally, they haven’t really changed much in the last 25 years, I used an exercise in some of my workshops that I’ve adapted from Paul Kimball’s book men’s work, where we do a brainstorm of stereotypical traits of men who are quote, unquote, real man. And I asked the groups about what he looks like physically what clothes he wears, what jobs he has, what he does for fun, what his relationships are, like, what his sex life is like. And I’ve been doing this workshop for about 25 years with groups of all different ages, genders, races, sexual orientations, across the board, and the answers are consistent. You could take the results that I got 25 years ago and the results that I got, you know, now, and they look almost exactly the same. So, at the core, masculinity hasn’t changed too terribly much. You know, we sometimes have these things Little attempts, it changes, there was Metro sexuality A while back, and we’re seeing more and more about men, for example, being stay at home parents or developing a deeper skill set around emotional work, that kind of thing. But fundamentally, it hasn’t really changed. It changes in the details, but the overarching model is much the same.

Sasza  

Mm hmm. And how do you think that people because I know now, you know, being a stay at home dad has been more culturally acceptable, more common. How do you think that people can kind of help the evolutionary process progress more quickly and like becoming a part of it themselves and changing how they perceive it, how they act. And especially for people who don’t fall into that more traditional box of you know, adjectives describing that stereotypical man somebody who perhaps does stay at home or is emotionally abused. Emotionally open? How can they then help incorporate a new definition in with their own behaviors and feelings? I think

Charlie  

there’s a couple of different things folks can do to shift their relationship to masculinity. One of them is shame, resilience. Coming from Rene Brown’s work, especially her first book, I thought it was just me. It has a lot of tools for developing shame resilience, although I do want to put the caveat that her research was based on women’s experiences of shame. And it wasn’t until her fourth book that she acknowledged that in some ways, men and women experience shame differently. And she doesn’t address people outside the gender binary at all, as far as I’ve seen, but many of her tools I’ve used in my life and with my coaching clients, and they’re pretty effective. The reason why I say that, is that our attitudes about gender roles Some of them get locked into our systems before we’re even verbal. You know, when we’re little, little kids. And that’s one of the reasons why people who break gender rules or cross gender boundaries. You know, many people have this sort of visceral reaction that they have trouble putting into words. It’s because the roots of those ideas happen before we even have words. You know, when babies are when researchers look at how babies are handled and touched and talked to it varies tremendously by gender, right, both in terms of infant and adult. So shame resilience is one big piece. And I think another piece of it is really looking at the way that the gender binary is set up, with men over here, and for men, if we do anything that is stereotypically classified as female We lose all of our masculine status. It’s an either or either you’re all the way in or you’re all the way out. This was one of the things that came up quite a bit when we were researching by the book that I co authored the Ultimate Guide to prostate pleasure. Because for a lot of people, the idea of men receiving anal penetrative sex means that he loses all of his masculine status. And it’s not just men who believe that. So, looking at how we have this deeply held binary that is enforced by shame, right, I think is the first step.

Sasza  

Yeah. And I think that’s so interesting what you said because I often wonder, for example, you know, in the workplace people talk about if you have a woman whose CEO or a boss and she’s kind of really demanding it’s seen or you know, for example, she sacrifices having a family or whatever. It’s seen as kind of selfish or like desperate and if amended that sometimes it’s seen as more like many dishes and it’s not any part of the behavior that’s any different. It’s it’s only the perception of it and going all the way into relationships and emotional behaviors, if it was just lists of attributes, if you would even be able to tell who in the relationship is male versus female, and I don’t necessarily think that you would be able to so it’s just the perception will

Charlie  

Perception is real. There was a study that was done looking at how languages where nouns are gendered. So a lot of European languages were nouns or either male or female. They specifically looked at objects that were masculine in one gender and feminine in a different gender. And you have things like bridges and forks and just random objects. In the languages where those objects are viewed as masculine. They were seen as strong and well built and powerful. And were the exact same object the exact same photograph that people were shown when coded as feminine. It’s graceful and elegant, right? And it’s the exact same picture, but it’s coated in people’s brains as masculine or feminine, and therefore has these traits. So yeah, that’s a thing.

Sasza  

People do that. And in terms of shame, resilience, like you mentioned earlier, if you could give just a few kinds of tips or examples, perhaps to our listeners in terms of how they could incorporate that into their own lives, what would that be?

Charlie  

Well, first off, check out Brittany Brown. Yeah, because she goes into much more detail. But shame, fundamentally, is a whole spectrum of emotions. This is a place where Bernie brown and I differ, because I see shame as a whole spectrum of feelings in the way that anger or happiness is a spectrum of feelings. She labels shame as the end of that spectrum. But for me, shame, guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, you know, those are all just different points on the spectrum. At the core, shame is the message that I am not accepted as I am.

Sasza  

Yeah, sometimes it’s more the person themselves not accepting them rather than anybody else.

Charlie  

Right. Sometimes it’s internalized. You know, if you grew up, for example, in a household where you were shamed for fill in the blank, right after a while, those messages become so internalized that there’s sort of that inner critic or inner parent or grandparent or whoever it is, if their voice is running the show, because shame is all about the relationship between two people. It really needs to be healed in a relationship. And this is one of the things that therapists and coaches can do, this is a lot of my work is giving people an opportunity to express themselves and be who they are, and be seen and valued, as they are a step towards healing the past. Change that they have had. It’s deep work. But because shame happens on a visceral level on a neurological level, it’s deep work to do this, then really in a way that’s our all of our relationships are about healing. Everything we’ve learned from the past or experienced problems are the way we’ve grown up influenced from, you know, our cultures or our family cultures. And one of my teachers likes to say that when people in relationships get into one of those like, never ending triggering each other, as challenging as it is, it’s actually a beautiful opportunity to heal whatever the root cause of those injuries were, you know, that’s, again, a big commitment to each other. 

Sasza  

Going back to how you mentioned the book that you co authored about prostate pleasure, if you kind of just speak to the themes that came up in that about shame, and especially from the research, I’ve read a lot to that there seems to be a strong tie going back to the death definition of what it means to be a man, masculine name and all of that.

Charlie  

If you could just speak a little more to that, sure, we have a whole chapter specifically on this. When we wrote the book, we did an internet survey of a couple of hundred people, both men and partners of men. And one of the questions that we asked is, what were some of the concerns or worries that you had when you first tried this? And there were three that showed up over and over again. Is this going to hurt? Is this going to get messy? Is this going to make me gay? Now those first two, is this going to hurt? Is this going to get messy? Those are concerns that people of any gender might have about anal play. But the level of anxiety around them was much higher for men on the receiving side. But that third question, Is this going to make me gay? You know, if I enjoy anal penetration, does that mean something about my mascot lenity am I giving up masculine status? Am I being dominated necessarily, because we have this idea that to be penetrated to be fucked, is to lose status. And so at the core that says some fascinating things about gender roles,

Sasza  

which is just so backwards about femininity, examine if it just means to, like lose power and

Charlie  

exactly not be worth well, but think about the phrase, right if something bad happens, Oh, I’m so fucked. Yeah. Yeah, there’s a meaning effect over Yeah.

Sasza  

Right. And so how would you go into trying to express to people that in reality, what you do, like reflects nothing about your sexuality, it’s solely your perception.

Charlie  

Well, here’s where I go with it, which is that who you have sex with? That’s your sexual orientation. what feels good to you, that’s where your nerve endings are. And those two things don’t have anything to do with each other. Any more than enjoying Pizza means that you can only eat pizza with a certain person. And from a sex illogical perspective, if two people of different genders are engaging in a sex act, no matter what that act is, it’s heterosexual sex because they’re not of the same gender. It doesn’t matter. And ultimately, you know, what this means is that men have lost so much pleasure potential in our bodies, because we have this notion that all of our sexual pleasure is about the penis, and is about conquest and scoring and all of that. We lose so many possibilities for feeling good. And if we can shed these attitudes, suddenly, all of these new opportunities come our way.

Sasza  

Yeah. And it’s just funny because if there wasn’t that stereotype beforehand, or if it wasn’t associated with you know, non straight sex Yeah. For example, like children often hump inanimate objects just because it feels good. I’m wondering without that whole stereotyping, cultural pressure that it’s been put on top of that, if it would be different. Have you guys found any different patterns across cultures in terms of from masculinity to process a pleasure if there are any cultures or places that tend to have a healthier perception in any way?

Charlie  

Not really, almost every culture that I’ve come across really has this idea that receiving no penetration means you lose status. And by the way, this is not restricted to heterosexual communities. There are some gay men who I’ve talked with, who have the idea that if you’re a top and I’m using the word top in the sense of who’s doing the penetrating, not the BDSM sense of the word, although there’s some parallels, but that if you aren’t at the top, you are more masculine, and men who are more feminine must be bottoms. And that’s it. talked with quite a few gay men who were exclusively tops. And they had some real fears about bottoming and giving up that status, that privilege that macho ness. So this idea is everywhere. The ironic thing for me in all of this is that the idea that to receive penetration means that you lose status or that you’re being dominated. Now, there’s nothing wrong with consensual domination, if that’s what you want to do. But being penetrated doesn’t have to mean you’re giving up anything, you can be just as in charge, while receiving penetration is giving. 

Sasza  

All right, and it’s more just about vulnerability in a way, you know, for example, if I disclose something about me or if I share feelings or anything that I don’t know will be reciprocated. It’s kind of just about putting yourself out there in a way where you’re either vulnerable in terms of losing status or rejection. Like there’s not that much of a difference at the front ends, vulnerability tends to lead to the deeper connections.

Charlie  

Exactly. vulnerability is the first step towards intimacy and connection. And one of the things that I have found really fascinating talking with men and men’s partners about prostate play, is that it’s one thing to know on an intellectual level, that if you’re having sex with somebody, and they are the one who’s going to receive penetration that they need warm up, they need for play, whatever it is, you know, we know that on average, cisgender women need about 20 minutes of warm up before vaginal penetration is as pleasurable as it can be. Right? So right, we know that, but it’s one thing to know that intellectually. It’s another thing to have the embodied experience of really being turned on, really being into your partner but still needing warming up. And so it tends to make men more compassionate attuned givers, because they know what it’s like to receive. And by the same token, a lot of women I’ve spoken with have said, Wow, now I understand like, you know, you’re turned on things are getting hot. And then your partner says, Oh, wait, I need more lube. And that just like, killed my group for a moment. I’ve had to figure out what to do. And so it’s walking a mile in each other’s shoes. That’s amazing. I wish everybody could do that. And I firmly believe the world is gonna be a better place when more men take it up the ass.

Sasza  

I’m writing that quote down. It’s one of my blog posts. Of which do you have any favorite stories? You’ve heard of somebody who tried it for the first time or kind of expanded their horizons or changed the way they thought about it and was able to finally give in or change their perception.

Charlie  

Oh, yeah, a number of years ago, I was working at Good Vibrations, which is the premier Women friendly sex toy company anywhere. And I was working in the store. And this older guy came in, he was probably in his early to mid 60s or so. And he said, You know, I’ve been curious about this for a long time. I’ve heard about it. I didn’t know anything about this before we wrote the book. I don’t know anything about it. So I took him aside. It was a quiet day. So I could talk to him for about 1015 minutes, sent him home with some toys, lubricant. And he came back the next day to buy like five more toys. And just talk to me for half an hour about how amazing it was. And it changed everything. And oh, wow, I can’t wait to try this with my wife. And this is going to be so exciting. And about a month later, he came back and just wanted to share with me that he was glad he’d finally learned this. But wouldn’t it have been wonderful if he could have discovered this 30 years sooner?

Sasza  

which is how I feel as though every part of our sexuality and relationship and communication kind of is Yeah, so what would kind of some actionable advice be for some of the people listening who have been curious have one to try it like that man in the store to kind of just bite the bullet? What are you waiting for if nobody’s gonna judge you or bring it up with your partner or alone?

Charlie  

Okay, so step one, you absolutely need lube. Yes, you won’t see lubricant in porn movies. It’s there. It just happens offset. But there is lube there, I promise you. But I’ve talked with a lot of people who were copying what they saw in porn and got themselves hurt searches like all sex. Yeah, but learning from people. Learning to have sex from porn would be like learning to drive from watching an action movie, or video game right? Somebody is gonna get hurt. If you watch an action movie. News. People are driving their cars, there’s no red lights. There’s no traffic rate. The same thing being upside down in there. Okay? The same thing happens in porn. Nobody ever gets a leg cramp. Nobody ever needs to turn over because they’re uncomfortable. Right? So step one, lots of lubricant. Step two, breathe. long, slow exhalations, slow the nervous system down and relax the pelvic floor. If you hold your breath, your body tightens up. So breathe. really truly and if you think you’re doing it, slow down a little bit more, it makes such a difference. And then the third one is that prostate play a lot of the time doesn’t feel as good if you do it before you’re turned on. Right? And the reason for that is very similar to the G spot. The reason for that is that during arousal, the prostate fills up with fluid, gets bigger and becomes more erotically sensitive. So start off with masturbation or a blowjob or dirty talk or flirting. watching your favorite porn movie, whatever it is, before you go looking for your prostate, get turned on first. And then the last thing is that it’s very difficult to reach your own prostate unless you’ve got long fingers and flexible wrists. So recruit a friend or try a toy. Just it’s a difficult angle.

Sasza  

And I think people, you know, when they imagine it, they’re like, what could go wrong? How awkward could it be? how messy or whatever, how uncomfortable but I think also, I’d like to point out that those situations can often be like really rewarding, especially obviously, you need to be engaging in the behavior with somebody who trust somebody or close to you and can be vulnerable with but oftentimes trying to figure things out awkward situations can really lead to a deeper connection and really great entertainment. So the whole fear factor. I think people should look at it from more of the positive life.

Charlie

I agree. And I think it’s worth acknowledging that the question of whether it’s going to get messy or whether it’s going to be uncomfortable or painful. People of any gender can have those fears, but the level of anxiety is much higher. You know, I’ve talked with men who, with female partners, they wanted to have anal sex with her receiving, and they just wanted to go for it. But when he’s receiving there needs to be all this preparation. I think that speaks to the anxiety you have.

Sasza  

I’ve also heard you mentioned in one of your interviews, something called the million dollar point. 

Charlie   

Yes. 

Sasza  

Something about how to separate ejaculation from orgasm. 

Charlie   

Yes.

Sasza  

Tell me everything. 

Charlie   

Well, so this is something that you can learn about in Montauk, ci, his book, The multi orgasmic man, it’s an acupressure point, that interrupts the ejaculation if you do it at the right time, so that you can keep from ejaculating. And then you can learn to separate orgasm and ejaculation. You know, we normally think of those two things for men as being simultaneous, but they’re actually two different circuits in the body. And if you learn to separate them, you can have orgasms for as long as you can keep going. Because you don’t have the refractory period that comes from ejaculation. The reason why it’s called the million dollar point, I don’t know if this is true, but the legend is that in ancient China, because this was the spot that every man wanted to know, the Taoist masters charged thousands of pieces of gold. So the traditional name for it is the thousand gold piece point. And so when they wrote the book, they updated it for modern Western audiences’ million dollar point, where the point is, it’s pretty much in the center of the perennial. So right between the testicles and the anus. You can find it when somebody has an erection, the shaft of the penis has these two long cylinders of tissue that are like little water balloons now, inside the body, they split and form a y shape remarkably similar to the internal anatomy of the clitoral.

Sasza  

by that I could go on and on about that, about how our bodies are actually just mirrors of each other and have all the same there’s a lot of satisfaction when someone has an erection

Charlie  

If you feel in the center of the premium you can feel where those two cylinders split, you’re looking at like the fork of that y shape. And if you press firmly not with your fingertip because there’s a nail on the end there back with your thumb up towards the head. So if somebody’s lying on his back, you press horizontally towards his head. It will interrupt ejaculation and also often we’ll make corrections get softer, and it can take up to for some guys up to 10 or 15 minutes. before they get fully hard again, Mm hmm. So this is a technique that helps guys separate ejaculation and orgasm can be a lot of fun.

Sasza  

I imagine it’s a bit of a learning curve just for people listening, it might not be the first time get it right, a little bit of practice. And again, it’s all about the process and practice can be fun.

Charlie   

Yeah, yeah, I do really recommend the multi orgasmic man, it’s one of the most accessible books on the topic.

Sasza  

I guess. While we’re at it, some of the health benefits of prostate play. I think mine is what advertisement more for the good.

Charlie    

Or if nothing else, I can say, Well, you know, my doctor told me I should be doing a better job taking care of myself. I’ve heard that the health benefits of prostate play are the surgery script here and search script here. So I want to preface this by saying that there isn’t any good research on this. This is all based either on anecdotes or things that Logically makes sense that, you know, if you talk with a sex positive doctor, they’ll say, Oh, yeah, I could see how that would be. But there’s no research funding is one benefit is that massaging any part of the body increases blood flow of the prostate and actually has very low blood flow. So massage can really help improve blood circulation, which is just good for any part of the body. But that’s especially true for the prostate because it’s made up of a whole bunch of like microscopic glands like imagine a whole bunch of microscopic toothpaste tubes, that when you get turned on, they start producing fluid and when you ejaculate, they squeeze all that fluid into the urethra then becomes semen, but those glands can get blocked and so massaging the prostate just kind of clears them out, clears trapped fluids out. It’s like a cleanse. Exactly. For men who have enlarged prostates and 50% of cisgender men will have an enlarged prostate. By the age of 50 80% of men by the age of 80 will have an enlarged prostate. It doesn’t always cause health problems, but it can especially be difficult with urination because the prostate clamps down on the urethra. prostate massage can often help alleviate the discomfort of an enlarged prostate. You have to do it a couple of times a week though, because it’ll keep getting enlarged. So you’re basically just massaging the fluids out. And then the last thing is that the prostate does sometimes get infections. A lot of the time when we get infections, the bacteria can form this sort of shield, it’s called a biofilm. It’s like if you have plaque on your teeth, and there’s that film and it’s a protective covering that the bacteria produces so that you know they can grow and multiply. But because of that, and because the prostate gets very low blood flow, antibiotics can be tricky. prostate massage breaks up the biofilm, in the same way that brushing your teeth breaks up the biofilm on your teeth. And then it’s just much easier for the medication to have the effect that you want it to have.

Sasza

Right and while it’s like a cleanse, you know it might lead to happiness, better focus, weight loss. Who knows? Well, he tried to report back 

Charlie    

Yeah, well, I will say that the time that I did have a prostate infection, I knew what it was because I know where my prostate is. I know what it feels like. Men who don’t know that feeling. When they go into the doctor and they say I have pain down there. It’s really hard to get a good diagnosis. So there’s that benefit too. I do want to say by the way that all of this that I’m talking about is specific to cisgender men. transgender women do also have prostates, but depending on what choices somebody has made, around medication, surgery hormones, quite a few transgender women have reported that prostate sensations decrease the prostate becomes smaller and less erotically sensitive for some people. So I mentioned that because if you or a partner of yours is a transgender woman, you can certainly try looking for it. But don’t be surprised if it’s not as interesting as it might be on a cisgender man.

Sasza  

Also just touching techniques, information. And while a lot of people often think that sex is about what position it’s about what technique it’s about what lube, but at the end of the day, and as you’ve mentioned, it really isn’t isn’t about your erotic skill. It’s about the connection. It’s about the intimacy, it’s about the vulnerability that we talked about more than anything else. 

Charlie   

Well, yeah, I think for me, my take on it is that technique and skill are important. They’re useful. But if you don’t have a connection doesn’t have to mean a committed relationship. You can have a connection with someone who you met for the first time, 10 minutes ago, you can have a connection with somebody who you met on a plane and you just happened to have a great conversation with them for a couple of hours. Right. So connection is different from commitment or monogamy or anything like that. But technique without connection feels robotic. It doesn’t last for long. It’s kind of like the difference between, you know, a meal that was cooked by an amazing world class chef, but it’s just, you know, one of 100 meals that they cooked that day, versus a meal that maybe isn’t as technically skilled, but somebody made with a lot of love and attention and Oh, I know that you really like this flavor. So I added a little extra. It really does taste better. So the pieces that I see feeling this, there’s presence and presence, I think often comes down to being able to be together. I’m a big fan of breathwork for this, you know, five minutes of like, belly to belly breathing and like breathing in sync with each other, gets your nervous systems lined up and brings presence to it. So that’s number one. A second element is stepping out of compliance and into choice. Almost everybody has learned that there’s times when we don’t get to say no. Of course, it has a much bigger impact on folks, depending on gender, culture, religion background, because when we’re little kids, our parents have to do things for our own good, you betcha that we don’t want Eat your vegetables. You have to go to the doctor and get a shot. Right. So compliance is woven into us even before we have words And so stepping out of compliance and into choice is a huge part of creating amazing sex. And I talk with a lot of people who get stuck because they don’t believe that they have the right to tell their partner No, or to ask the partner to do something different. Or they go along with something their partner might not even know. But they go along with something. And then they end up feeling resentment, and resentment kills desire. So stepping out of compliance and into choice.

Sasza  

And when you say choice I for some reason I hear desire.

Charlie  

Well, desire and consent, naming what you want an authenticity, right? There’s a lot, there’s a lot of pieces to that, then there’s, I think one of the big factors that people miss out on is creating a feedback loop. You know, rather than me trying to read your mind or Your body language or what did that sound mean? or whatever, making it easy to create a feedback loop. And one of the ways that I like to do this is using a practice that comes from sex illogical body work, where we basically, meal plan a sexual experience that is like a wine tasting, right where we’re just going to compare different things. And after each thing, you tell me, thumbs up, thumbs down, or scale of one to 10 how good it felt. We can play with it like if I’m scratching your arm, and you rate it to three, but then I scratched slower and lighter and that makes it a six. Everyone’s body is different. So we’re just looking for information, but then we can look for trends like maybe one person likes really soft touch on the clitoral and firm on the G spot and somebody else’s the other way around or one person And likes to have their testicles squeeze really firmly. And the other one is like don’t even go there. Rich. So we build up what we’re doing by this one to 10 exercise pleasure mapping is what it’s called. There’s two benefits. One is, well, now, I know what things you like. So then I can just remember them for next time, knowing that they might change or depending on how turned on you are or whatever. But the second thing, which is actually more important, is we’ve made it a little easier for you to tell me a little softer, a little firmer, do this here. Not so hard, whatever it is, and that makes it easier to create that communication loop. A lot of men have absorbed this idea that we’re just supposed to magically know what pleases our partners. And honestly, a lot of people, particularly women, but not only women, buy into That as well. I want to acknowledge that part of why that can happen. For some women is slut shaming, right? Because if she names Oh, I really like to have my nipples squeezed. That comes up against slut shaming, as well as this idea that men are supposed to read people’s minds. So all of this stuff intertwines. And pleasure mapping is a nice way to sort of break through some of that.

Sasza  

And it comes back to the not shaming yourself or the other person, although, sometimes it feels like it’s even harder not to shame ourselves versus somebody else. 

Charlie  

Yeah. 

Sasza  

And kind of just objectifying the observations and information like if we went out to dinner, if you go out on a date to a new restaurant, you wouldn’t just sit there and not talk about the food. You’d be like, oh, you got the burger? How’s the burger? Oh, you know, the one at the place we went last week is a little better. But the bun here, the brioche bun is really great, you know.

Charlie  

 I’m getting hungry

Sasza  

unless you’re mapping To the sex, it’s basically

Charlie  

well and to take that even further, think about you, if you and I were going to go out to dinner, and we didn’t have a restaurant picked out, but I saw something that looked good. And rather than saying, hey, Sasza, let’s go check out this restaurant. I just kind of like, bump you to try to like push you through the door. That’s what people are doing when they’re like, Okay, well, I wanted you to touch me a little bit further to the left. So I just kind of moved my hips. That’s amazing. Use your word terrifying. Use your words. Use your words. Exactly. Talking about sex is like saying, hey, so you know, let’s go out to dinner. What are you in the mood to eat? Yeah. Oh, you’re lactose intolerant? I guess we won’t get pizza. Why is that different than saying, you know, kind of sexy when the mood for tonight I’m really into going down on you know, how does that sound? You know, why is that so different? I think those are questions people. Get a lot of benefit from asking.

Sasza  

Yeah. And in terms of the benefits that you would want to tell people about and encourage people to kind of try and incorporate these things we’ve been talking about into their lives. What kind of overall benefits would you try and describe to them, to encourage them?

Charlie  

Nobody can read your mind. You will have a better experience. I mean, my partner and I have been together for 26 years. I still can’t order takeout Chinese food without asking what she’s in the mood for. I just can’t, you know, you will have better experiences when you are able to have these conversations. And this is one of the things that I do frequently as a coach is actually give people an opportunity to practice finding their words. So you know, you’re welcome to contact me because I work over Skype, but you could also do this with a trusted friend of like, I just want to practice saying I’m really in the mood to give you a blowjob.

Sasza  

On the other person’s probably gonna love to hear that nobody ever has said, Oh, no, thank you.

Charlie  

Don’t be excited, because it does happen sometimes. But what will often happen is they’ll say, Well, you know, that’s not really my thing. But how about we do this other thing? It opens up the opportunity for a counter offer. Yeah. Because I have talked to some folks for whom oral sex is not their primary thing. But then you know, and then you’re not doing something thinking that the other person writes it? Well, and this is one of the places where compliance comes in, because I see this happen a lot where Person A is thinking, Oh, I’m gonna do this thing because my partner will enjoy it. And Person B said, is thinking well, this isn’t really my favorite, but I’ll go along with it because they’re enjoying it right and so now both of them are trying to please the other and neither of them is getting what they want,

Sasza    

Right? It’s so simple yet so difficult for many people. Well, I hope people listening to this will get some inspiration to bring this into their own lives and help share what you want, find out what other people want and get the best of both worlds. 

Charlie  

I hope so because it’s much more fun 

Sasza  

yeah, thank you so much. Everybody, this is sex and relationship coach Charlie Glickman, he’s got a book out available on Amazon about prostate pleasure, the Ultimate Guide to prostate pleasure. Check it out. And we’ll be back again soon with more here at the a sect annual conference. Thank you so much for tuning in to listen to the BBXX podcast.

On this episode our guest is Charlie Glickman, sex and relationship coach, and coauthor of the book The Ultimate Guide To Prostate Pleasure. Here we talk about masculinity and the role that cultural stereotypes play in male sexuality and how we can discover new pleasure possibilities through prostate play! So, whether you are curious or wanting to try something new, you’ll enjoy this pleasure-filled conversation.

Masculine Landscape

According to the work that Charlie has conducted over the last 25 years, not much has changed within the field of masculinity. However, there are now more resources for people who want to work on shifting their relationship to masculinity.

One great resource is Brene Brown’s book I Thought It Was Just Me, which examines shame resilience: “Our attitudes about gender roles, some of them get locked into our systems before we are even verbal.” Some suggested tips for incorporating shame resilience:

  • Check out Brene Brown.
  • Understand that “Shame is the message that I am not accepted as I am”.
  • Shame is all about the relationship between two people, and it can be healed within relationships so that people can be seen and valued as they are.

Another way to tackle the binary gender landscape is to better understand the limited box of masculinity. So often men are taught that if they do anything that is stereotypically classified as female, they diminish For example, Charlie states that ”For a lot of people the idea of man
receiving anal penetrative sex means that he loses all of his masculine status, and it’s not just men who believe that”.

In the book The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, Charlie spends a chapter discussing what it means to be a man. He surveyed a few hundred people and discovered that when men first experimented with prostate play the three most common things that came up were: 1) Will this
hurt?, 2) Will this be messy?, and 3) Does this make me gay? “We have this idea that to be penetrated, to be fucked, is to lose status”, and because of this, men have lost so much pleasure potential in their bodies, because they have internalized the belief that sexual pleasure is all about their penis.

I firmly believe that the world is going be a better place when more men take it up the ass.

Trying Prostate Pleasure – The 4 Steps

  1. Lube – and lots of it!
  2. Breathe and relax the pelvic floor
  3. Begin the process once you are already turned on. When in an aroused state, the prostate fills with fluid and becomes more erotically sensitive. You could start with masturbation, dirty talk, oral pleasure, or whatever tickles your fancy.
  4. Recruit a partner or use a toy (the prostate is at a difficult angle to reach by yourself).

Health Benefits of Prostate Play

  • Increases blood flow and can be cleansing
  • Massage can help alleviate the discomfort of an enlarged prostate, which affects 50% of men aged 50 and 80% of men aged 80.
  • Helps break up the biofilm that can reduce the potential for infection.

Intimacy

Talking about your sexual desires with your partner can increase intimacy and vulnerability. By finding the words to speak to your pleasure and desires, you can have a more fulfilling sexual partnership. Here are some tips to enhance connection and intimacy:

  • Breathe together – 5 minutes of belly-to-belly breathing can sync you up with your partner.
  • By stepping out of compliance and traditional sexual scripts, you step into choice.
  • Talk about your pleasure and your experimentation together. This creates a feedback loop so that you can continue to increase the pleasure of your experiences.
  • Pleasure mapping you and your partner(s) bodies to that you can easily communicate your desires.

Resources

No additional resources found for this episode.

About the Expert

Charlie Glickman

Charlie Glickman

Sexuality & relationship coach, certified somatic sex educator, writer, speaker, & teacher.

Charlie Glickman PhD is an internationally-acclaimed sexuality educator, writer, speaker, and teacher. He is certified as a somatic sex educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Over his 20+ years in the field, Charlie has explored many different sexual communities, learning from each in order to enrich the lives of his clients. His work focuses on sex positivity, masculinity, and queer issues, and his book, The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, was released in 2013.

Episode Discussion

Home Forums Episode 6 – “Redifining Masculinity and The Million Dollar Point” w C. Glickman

  • Episode 6 – “Redifining Masculinity and The Million Dollar Point” w C. Glickman

  • Valentina 

    September 7, 2020 at 6:56 am
    Up
    0
    Down
    • What did you learn about yourself?
    • What did you learn about culture?
    • What was your favorite quote?
    • What surprised you most?
    • What is one way you can enact what you learned in your own life?
    • How can we each help shift the culture and the conversation surrounding this topic?
  • Hope

    September 7, 2020 at 11:39 am
    Up
    0
    Down

    Listening to this podcast made me realize how much men are also expected to fulfill a specific role in society, sexually. I never thought much about the fact that men could be interested in pursuing other things sexually, such an anal pleasure, regardless of their sexuality. It just goes to show that there is so much stuff we can continue to educate ourselves on and I am so happy that these podcasts do just that. I just can’t help but think about how hard of a conversation that must be from the male’s side, has anyone successfully had this talk with their partner?

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  Hope.
    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by  Hope.
  • BBXX 

    September 7, 2020 at 11:52 am
    Up
    0
    Down

    It was so interesting that masculinity hasn’t evolved in the past twenty years. It made me really reflect on the conversations Ive had with my male-identifying friends and the discourse online about masculinity and pleasure. There’s always that pressure to be more masculine, and when they want to express their feelings they’re shunned. I feel like the younger generation is becoming more expressive with their wants and needs and doing and wearing things that they want without shame. I’m really excited for the changes they’ll bring to modern society

  • BBXX 

    September 7, 2020 at 11:54 am
    Up
    0
    Down

    Throughout the years I’ve always heard my male-friends confide me the insecurities they had when performing in bed because of the extremely high standards society puts on them (from when to start their sexual life to even what to expect from it) and it’s so interesting to hear about how men too are interested in looking to experiment yet they still won’t allow themselves to ask for more because of how not “manly” this new thing to try may seem to others. I love how the podcast is helping to break this stigma because men too deserve a chance to experience pleasure fully. .

  • Valentina 

    September 7, 2020 at 11:55 am
    Up
    0
    Down

    I learned so much listening to this episode!

    I always thought about the fact that men could be more open sexually but anal pleasure it’s so stigmatized within straight men. So I think that this episode is so important for men to understand a bit more about their own sexual pleasure and how can they just enjoy the ride.

  • David

    September 7, 2020 at 12:09 pm
    Up
    0
    Down

    I was really happy to learn about a concept like shame resilience and how it can be used as a tool to defy the typical gender roles. I love the idea of separating gender and gender roles from the concept of masculinity.

  • Amy

    September 7, 2020 at 12:24 pm
    Up
    0
    Down

    The thing that I learned about myself listening to this episode is that growing up I thought being masculine meant that a boy had to be tough and strong.I now understand that that isn’t always true. The thing that I learned about culture was that masculinity is boys and men have to be tough, make more money, be more successful, and teach their sons that being masculine is the one thing that will guide them through life.The thing that surprised me most is that men and boys are taught that their only role in life is to be tough and manly. The way that I can apply what I learned to my life is to teach my future child that masculinity is making sure that you show the world what an amazing and caring human being he could be.

  • Jessica

    September 7, 2020 at 2:16 pm
    Up
    0
    Down

    This episode was really eye-opening for me because I’ve never really thought about how straight men would feel shame for anal pleasure. I’ve had a few conversations since with my guy friends about this topic/the limited box of masculinity and have referenced this episode.

Log in to reply.

Original Post
0 of 0 posts June 2018
Now

Join the BBXX Community and take part in the conversation!

Related Companies

You. Only better. That’s what we strive for. We want to help everyone be the best version of themselves. Both for you, and for
Previous
Next